Something a bit different
‘I haven't been to the cinema for ages! And tomorrow evening, they're got that new film with Julia Roberts.’ Daniela from the Accounts department shot me an expectant glance. I'd fancied this girl for weeks – since she joined the company, in fact, and I thought she fancied me – there was always this tension, sexual tension between us, unless I was imagining it. I'd been afraid maybe I was, which was why I still hadn't asked her out – afraid of blowing it – but here she was asking me out, in as many words.
It was my cue. In any tenth-rate romantic comedy, the hero at this point would have replied: ‘Let’s go together then!’ In my case, needless to say, I couldn't. But how was I to explain it to her?
‘Pity. Tomorrow I've got something on,’ I said, staring into my plastic beaker, as though I'd find a suitable excuse in the lukewarm cola. The company canteen was, and always had been, abysmal.
‘Oh, so the young gentleman is otherwise engaged,’ said Daniela snidely. ‘With a young lady? Is she pretty?’
I thought of Silvia. Silvia was not, as it happens, without her charms in my eyes. ‘Yes. I mean: No! Well, to be precise: the ‘engagement’, as you put it, is with a man.’ Involuntarily, I went red.
‘So, the young lady's in fact a young gentleman, is he? And what do you and the young gentleman have planned?’
‘We're going to roll around half-naked on the floor, wrestling’ I thought.
‘While Silvia watches!’ But naturally I couldn't say that out loud.
‘Well, Rainer and I, we … how should I put this? … yes, well, we're going to do a spot of … it's a sporting encounter. Let's put it like that.’
My bumbling was pitiful. It was the stupidest explanation imaginable. Why was I such a lousy liar? I could have said I was going to the chess club, a stag-night or something equally innocuous. Instead, I'd talked myself into trouble. Women just seemed to have a talent for extracting whatever information they wanted from me. And, of course, the inevitable follow-up question was not long in coming.
‘What kind of a sporting encounter are we talking about then?’ asked Daniela.
‘Nothing special. At weekends, we usually … go for a jog in the woods! Something a bit different.’
I couldn't manage to look Daniela in the eyes as I said this. My face must have been redder than when Rainer had me in that headlock. I expected everyone in the canteen could see me glowing.
‘A jog in the woods? On a Saturday evening in November? Sounds interesting. It'll be pitch dark! Can I come too?’
She must have seen the look of panic in my eyes. Nonplussed, I just stared dumbly at her.
‘Listen, Jens, why are you lying to me? Do you think that's fair?’ she said quietly, but with a note of seriousness suddenly in her voice that I'd not heard before. ‘I don't like all this secrecy. I had all I could stand of it with my ex. Why don't you just admit you have a date with your girlfriend?’
‘Because it's not true! I really am meeting Rainer!’
‘So what kind of sport is it?’
‘Well, we're … it's wrestling.’
Now the truth was out. Daniela would stand up and leave me sitting there – literally. No date. No more sparks. No love affair.
But I couldn't have been more wrong.
Aroused, Daniela grasped my hand. Something she'd never done before. ‘A wrestling match?’, she whispered excitedly. ‘A wrestling match? You mean, you're going to wrestle with another man? Where then? And what about his wife?’
Daniela's unexpected enthusiasm emboldened me. I'd never held her hand before, let alone kissed her.
‘It all began with an ad in the personal column of a magazine,’ I explained. The title read: “Who wants to fight me in front of my wife?” and it was accompanied by a picture of Rainer. He was standing there in a string tanga in front of a vase of flowers. A real poser! That was a provocation to begin with. But physically, nothing out of the ordinary. Not especially muscular. But that self-satisfied look on his face! I felt a real urge to fight him.’
Daniela's squeezed my hand more firmly. She seemed really feverish. ‘And then? Did you answer the ad?’ she asked in a hoarse whisper.
‘No, I forgot the advertisement almost immediately. But then it appeared again. And then a third time. Why? I wondered. Probably because no one liked the look of his pretentious little mug. What did I know? Or perhaps it was his physique that put everyone off. He's well, like I said, perfectly ordinary looking – he lacks the musculature of a body builder, too chubby to be much of an athlete, perhaps too old as well. He's a bit older than I am. Also he's married and definitely not bi, so of no interest to gays. Well, what can I tell you? At school, I used to like fighting, and for whatever reason, I really wanted to fight him. I sent him a photo of myself, and we fixed a date. Since then, we meet up every fortnight or so at his house. He lives a semi-detached, but the other house in unoccupied. So we're relatively undisturbed.
‘And his wife?’ asked Dani.
‘Silvia? She watches us. She seems to be really into it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the whole thing wasn't her idea. I assume it spices up their sex life. No idea, though. That part’s of no interest to me.’
The fact that it made me horny having Silvia watching us and occasionally acting as the referee was not something Dani needed to know.
‘Listen, Jens, couldn't you take me with you tomorrow?’, she asked. She still had a hold of my hand. ‘I'd really love to watch you fighting!’
‘Out of the question! Besides, I'd have to ask Rainer and Silvia first’
‘Please! Please! Do it for me!’
I simply couldn't say no to Dani. ‘Well, OK, since you know the whole story anyway now – and if it means that much to you – alright, I'll give Rainer a call.’
‘Thank you!’ said Dani, and kissed me on the lips.
*
SATURDAY
Rainer and I were kneeling opposite one another on the living-room carpet, poised to attack. We were wearing nothing but our string tangas and I was passionately hoping I wouldn't lose again like last time. I wanted at least to offer Dani a good fight. Rainer clearly felt the same. He had prepared in his own way for Dani's presence: the perfume of his petit bourgeois after-shave was particularly penetrating this time. But something else hung in the air too: a very special tension. For the first time, we would be fighting not just in front of one, but in front of two women: what's more, in front of two women who from the very start hadn't seemed to like each other very much. Their greeting at any rate when they'd been introduced had been really frosty, and so far, they'd said nothing more than was strictly necessary to one another.
"Ready?" asked Rainer.
"Ready!" I replied.
We seized hold of one another, and our bodies pressed together. Interlocked, we waltzed on our knees over the carpet. Suddenly, my rival was on top of me and trying to pin me.
‘Get him, Rainer! Get him!’ screeched Silvia. The violent opening, combined with the liquor we'd shared earlier had clearly got her in the mood. ‘That's it! Get him down. Go on, Rainer, pin him!’
This was new. She'd never done this before. She'd always maintained, or affected, strict neutrality. Spurred on by his wife. Confident of victory, my opponent slid further up my body, while I twisted beneath him.
‘Come on, Jens! Don't give up! You can do this!’. That was Daniela. Her voice a-quiver with excitement. The unexpected support seemed to give me new strength. I reared up and managed to roll him off me. I threw myself on top of him, he was kneeling, face down, and thrust my arms through his sweaty armpits to roll him over and press his shoulders to the mat. He was panting, resisting stubbornly every movement. I began to sweat too.
‘Go on, Jens!’ shouted Dani. ‘Shift your weight! Twist him over!’
That actually worked, and now I was the one on top, gradually working my way up his body.
‘You have to kneel on his shoulders! Watch out for his hand! You've got him, just grab his wrists!’ Dani was on fire.
‘You, shut your trap, and quit constantly helping your friend!’ protested Silvia.
‘Now, listen! I've just as much right as you. And anyway, what's “constantly” supposed to mean?’
‘Never mind. Just pack it in, that's all. You haven't a clue about wrestling anyway.’
‘And you have, I suppose?’
‘A lot more than you, that's for sure!’
The voices of the two women were becoming ever more hostile.
‘Is that so? Well, now I'm curious! Perhaps you'd like to show me?’
‘Why not? I'd love to teach you a lesson!’
‘Then get your clothes off, 'cos now's your chance!’
‘With the greatest pleasure!’
And the unbelievable happened. As though on command, Daniela and Silvia began unbuttoning their blouses. Rainer and I were so astonished, we paused in mid-combat and looked across at the women. They were obviously dead serious about it because next they took off their short skirts. In their black underwear they faced off, impatient, it seemed, to hurl themselves at one another. I couldn't take my eyes off them; it was the first time I'd seen either of them other than fully dressed. Even then, I'd found them really sexy. Never in my wildest dreams had I expected ever to see them in their suspenders and bra.
‘Move, Jens! Clear the fighting area!’ commanded Silvia. ‘I have something to discuss with this little piece of shit!’
‘I'm not letting Rainer up just yet!’ I replied, and with renewed dedication to the task in hand, I pressed his shoulders more firmly still into the mat. Obeying Dani's instructions, I immobilized his upper body with my knees, and pressed his wrists to the floor.
‘We'll just have to do it like this, then’ retorted Silvia and turned to face her opponent who, with her hands on her hips, was waiting for her.
I had to admire Daniela's self-confidence. After all, she wasn't just younger but also considerably less solidly built than Silvia, who couldn't hide the forms of a mature woman, without, however, being less attractive than her newfound enemy for that. Compared to the voluptuous blonde, the slim, dark-haired Dani looked like a schoolgirl. But when she opened her mouth then to speak, she sounded more like a streetwalker.
‘Come here, then, you old slag! Show us what you've got!’ she said and stepped forward. But Silvia decided to take her words literally and felt behind her to undo the clip of her bra, releasing her full, magnificent bosom. Even though she must have been over forty, her breasts were as firm and upright as those of a young woman. Her nipples were erect, pointing straight at her opponent, addressing their own unspoken challenge.
‘Fight me like a real woman then, if you've got the guts!’ she said, in a rasping voice, looking directly into the eyes of her rival. Without saying a word, Daniela peeled off her bra. Her small, firm breasts showed no reluctance to confront those of the other woman.
As though in response to some unheard command, they grabbed one another, the nails of their right hands digging into the flesh of the other woman's upper arm, their breasts pressed together as they struggled, the fingers of the left hand buried in their opponent's hair. Daniela tried to shove her opponent backwards towards the sideboard, but she tripped over Rainer, stumbled and then fall backwards. With a yell of triumph, Silvia threw herself on top of her and tried to smother her, burying her pretty face between her breasts. Dani struggled wildly beneath her but seemed unable to free herself. I reached out, intending to grab Silvia and yank her off, but Rainer, who was waiting for just such a distraction, twisted free from beneath me and grabbed me from behind, dragging me clear of his wife before I could get to her. I was relieved to see Daniela bridge suddenly, throwing Silvia forwards onto her elbows, and her face level now with the older woman's belly, twisting out from beneath her. Just as well because the next few minutes, I was far too involved in my personal battle with Rainer to take any notice of the women battling alongside us let alone offer Daniela any assistance. I could hear the gasps, the cries of pain, the slapping of flesh, the thud of heads, arms and heels against the floorboards through the thick carpet but caught only occasional glimpses of the protagonists themselves. The sounds of struggle, four bodies straining to their limits, gasps, panting, groans of pain, muffled cries echoed from the four walls. Oblivious to all else, determined – absolutely determined this time to triumph, for Daniela, not to let the fucker beat me again – I fought with a determination I never knew I had and eventually managed to get him down, on his face this time. Without wasting a second, I grabbed his left wrist and rammed it up his back. Got you! Got you, you fucker! Yesss! And I looked across, and saw to my astonishment and delight that Daniela had Silvia!
Only their fight wasn't over. Dani was on top of her, enthroned on her belly, but four hands still had hold of four breasts. Silvia wasn't done. Not quite. Her will wasn't broken. All the spite, the hatred, the defiance was still there, but she was panting heavily, soaked in sweat, her legs moving feebly, sporadically, as though in the aftermath of an orgasm, but contributing nothing. She wasn't making any effort to bridge and twist onto her face, the way Daniela had at the start of the fight to throw her off. She wasn't bucking. She wasn't bridging. I expect she'd done all that earlier and was all bridged out. I don't know how long Daniela had been riding her like that while Rainer and I were engrossed in our own war of attrition but from their body language, and the gleam of triumph in Daniela's eyes as she glanced across at me and realized I, too, had broken my stallion just as she had tamed her mare, she knew her opponent was finished. She just didn't know it yet. Now she looked down at Silvia and squeezed and twisted her breasts even harder. Silvia responded in the same way. With the same viciousness and determination. It was macabre. They were torturing each other's breasts, pinching and squeezing as hard as they could, determined not to be the first to quit.
But then Daniela hit on a devilish plan. Releasing Silvia's left breast with her right hand she reached behind her and tried to slip it between Silvia's thighs.
‘Pack that in, you little shit!’ shouted Silvia. ‘Get your filthy little mitt out of there!’ You could hear the panic, the gasp of desperation in the older woman's voice as she pressed her thighs together, with all the strength she had left in them, trying to deny the intruding hand entry and the little squealing sob as Daniela's hand slid in over the film of sweat coating her opponent's smooth thighs, and the palm turned inward …
Silvia turned her head to the side, unable to bear Daniela's gloating triumphant stare, and then screamed and turned her head this way and that in agony as Daniela squeezed the most delicate portion of her anatomy as though pulping an overripe pear, the wet flesh oozing out from between her fingers. After the initial, involuntary scream Silvia was trying so hard to conceal the distress she was in, but Daniela wasn't fooled for an instant and squeezed all the harder. Silvia surrendered her grip on Daniela's breasts, trying instead to sit up and grab her opponent's wrist and pull it away, but Dani placed the palm of her free hand on Silvia's chin and pushed, forcing her head back onto the carpet with a satisfying bonk, at the same time raking at her eyelids with her nails, so that her opponent in panic gave up her attempts to free her pussy used both hands to pull Dani's left wrist away from her chin. But all the time, Dani maintained her death grip, with the right hand locked on as tightly as that creature John Hurt's face at the start of alien, and squeezed. Silvia screamed again. She tried to suppress it but she couldn't. Energized by the pain, her body, that had seemed spent, writhed beneath Dani in a futile attempt to throw her off. Her legs kicked, then went into a kind of spasm. She tried again to reach Dani's wrist and pull it away, and failed again.
That was when she cracked.
‘Stop! Stop for Christ's sake, Stop! I beg you!’ she screamed. ‘STOP!’ but Dani only laughed at her, scornfully.
‘Say “please, please” to Aunt Daniela or she'll be forced to pull your hair!’. And by way of illustration, she slid her hand beneath the slip and tore viciously at Silvia's bush drawing an even louder scream this time, followed by a gasping sob.
I'd never seen a fight between women before and couldn't believe what I was witnessing. The win-at-all-costs, animalistic savagery of it was quite unlike anything I'd ever known men to exhibit.
‘Did you say something?’ asked Daniela sweetly, batting away for the umpteenth time Silvia's hand with her left hand as she tried to free her privates from the death grip, ‘because if you did, I didn't hear it.’
Twisting her wrist again beneath the black lace panties to grab a really good clump of the concealed blonde bush, she tugged. Her small bicep flexed prettily with the effort, which achieved the desired result.
‘Please, let me go!’ the older woman pleaded.
‘What was that? I'm hard of hearing.’
‘PLEASE!’
‘Ah, one more question. Which of us is the better woman?’
‘You!’
‘We speak in complete sentences, Silvia dear.’
‘You are the better woman!’
‘That's it! And who has the better man?’
‘You do! You're the better woman and you have the better man!’
‘And that's something you'll remember, I trust, for a long while!’
Daniela got up from her vanquished rival, and I let Rainer up too. Silvia shot us a hate-filled glare and left the room, holding her privates inelegantly with one hand, and slamming the bedroom door shut behind her with the other.
‘I think you'd better both leave now,’ said Rainer, embarrassed, after a long silence, and (indicating the door): ‘I'd better go see to her.’
Suddenly he didn't seem such a poser or even arrogant. I almost felt sorry for him.
‘No problem,’ I replied. ‘We'll let ourselves out.’
We got dressed as fast as we could and left the house. Outside, the streetlights were already illuminated.
‘Now that really was something a bit different!’ I told Dani as we made our way to the car. ‘You were wonderful! I suppose now, though, I can forget about Rainer as a wrestling partner.’
Daniela stopped. She drew my head down towards hers and kissed me with such vehemence I nearly lost it and made love to her right there on the pavement, beneath the streetlamp, only yards from the window of the bedroom where Rainer at that moment was doubtless attempting to comfort, or pacify, his enraged, accusing, humiliated, hurt and hurting wife. ‘Don't worry!’ whispered Daniela in my ear. ‘You've got me now!’
*
This is the seventh of eight stories in the collection
Catfights - Gnadenlose Frauen by Rainer Maria Ringer
I haven't translated any of the other stories, but German readers might like to know that the full collection is available as an eBook in various formats from dozens of outlets. Just Google:
"Catfight - Gnadenlose Frauen" Rainer Maria Ringer
