Salma Hayek called me up and told me to bring the fight. Just because she’s fifty-six years old and breaking the internet every time she posts a picture in a bikini, she doesn’t want me to lay down for her. I had about two weeks to prepare and I treated this like a heavyweight title fight, eating right, getting a stable sleep schedule and exercising for hours on end. This was about proving to Hollywood and most importantly myself that I could still go.
Fight day arrived and I was ushered to a large empty room by Hayek. We exchanged pleasantries and it was hard to take my eyes off her. If she was playing head games before the match, it was certainly working. A tight low-cut t-shirt showing off her legendary cleavage and a pair of tight shorts to show off her underrated ass. Hayek wanted to spice things up, the match could only win via submission. Nothing new but the winner would have the pleasure of being able to put the loser to sleep with any submission they wanted. It seemed like a fun time so I agreed. To show how serious I was taking this, I put on a rash guard and a pair of Thai fighting shorts with blue tigers on them with ankle socks.
Hayek entered the room robed and quickly de-robed to show off her legendary body. I tried not to stare but got a few peaks in that drew a sly grin from her. She was wearing a barely covering bikini top with a string design in the middle that was barely holding on. It was a beautiful Aztec diamond design with a variety of colors: turquoise, white, black, yellow and red. The bottoms were the same design and quick turn from her showed off a thong leaving very little to the imagination. Every movement she had resulted in a suple part of her body bouncing and this was certainly a tactic.
We faced off in the middle of the room, slapping away attempts to initiate a lockup. Finally Hayek lunged for a headlock, the type that wrestlers used to do when people thought it was real. Less of a warm-up move and more of an attempt to rip somebody’s head off. I struggled attempting to slip out but she reinforced her grip. I wasn’t worried the thought of her transitioning to a Bulldog choke began rearing it’s ugly head. I tried to push her off and we almost went to the floor, but she got back up. I didn’t want to exert any energy trying to lift her off the ground so I went the cheap route. Selma didn’t put her hair in a bun she I grabbed a hold of it and pulled down. I could hear a yelp and what I presume what a swear in Spanish but I broke out. Selma had her back to me for a split second and I grabbed her by the waist and dragged her down. I tried for a clutch but she quick to counter. Hayek was consistently trying to throw me off so trying a body lock or choke was difficult. I settled on paint brushing her hair and trying to push her head into the ground before getting up.
Hayek was back up and scowled at me as we circled. Every step she took her breasts jiggled a tactic of hers. Distract the white boy and then attack. This time we engaged in a test of strength, the old knuckle lock battle of the greeks. I easily overwhelmed her, even spewing some trash talk, bringing Hayek to her knees. Then I realized “Oh shit she’s using her body to distract me.” I took one look, lost my concentration and found my grip broken and punch veering towards me. I backed up and lost my footing, foolishly falling to the floor. Hayek pounced on me like a cougar (get it?) and took full mount. I blocked a grapevine attempt of two before I noticed Hayek’s breasts were looming over me like those giant swinging axes you’d see in a horror film. Hayek was smiling in this attempt to psych me out and tried to pin my hands to the floor. From there it could be a grapevine and just stretch my legs out until I couldn’t rise. I could see that she was setting up for an armlock but I fought out of it. I made enough room to turn over and she jumped at it, much like I had earlier. I slipped out but grabbed her ankle on the way out. I could see some panic as I climbed up her body, locked the ankle around my hands and took a seat on her back.
I began pulling back in a half crab, groans emitting from the trapped actress. I didn’t want to exert too much and risk gassing out but I kept my foot on the pedal. I cranked back as Hayek attempted to push me off but I stayed upright. I got greedy, instead of keeping the half crab, I tried grabbing for the other leg and going full Boston. Hayek knew it and in the process got her hand around my ankle and toppled me. We were entangled and Hayek quickly got free. I was up and darted forward, grabbing a bearhug but she clapped my ears right away. I stumbled backwards as Hayek grabbed my arm, twisted underneath like she was trying for a fancy hammerlock and planted her bare foot square in my chest. I didn’t go down but the shot hit hard and knocked me backwards. I could feel stinging pain as Hayek wasted little time. I could see her fists up as she threw a straight right I barely dodged. I shot a rather crappy double leg that she blocked easily and we ended up in sprawl. Hayek wrapped her legs around her my head, beginning to choke me with a scissors. My throat was protected but she has the sides of my head screaming like a dog outside during fireworks. I knew what was coming next, grip around the waist and forcing me to the floor, on my side preferably. I was battling her hands and finally managed to rise up after a struggle. The blinding pain around my head was gone as I rose enough to almost backdrop her off. I wasn’t free though, she grabbed my ankle while escaping.
Hayek was up and dropped her elbow on the back of my right knee, something I’ve never nor never ever want to experience again. I tried to get back up and could see her charging to wipe me out with the old chop block. I barely side stepped it and went towards the wall to shake it off. I didn’t want to be trapped against the wall and take a buffet of punched so I kept moving. Luckily, I lead with my left knee, I’m a southpaw at heart so she’d have to take some punishment to get to said knee. The fun and games were over, we both scowled as we circled. Hayek attempted a slap but I caught it and folks, I hate to say that I used the Crippler Crossface but I did. I don’t like to use the move because of you know, Chris Benoit. I dragged her down, locked the arm between the legs and locked my hands around her chin. I began to pull upwards on her neck, crank it while stretching the locked arm. Her feet kicked up and down off the floor as I continued pulling back, hoping to emit a quick submission and possible apology.
I wonder if she has dogs where they are? Are they enclosed? Maybe in the pool area?
OH GOD I’M SORRY.
I tried to modify my grip, this time getting my hands around the mouth and nose, to uh…smother. I could see her knees rising trying to roll me off and maybe it was the implication but it worked. She rolled me off and got free before standing up and dropping a brutal full force elbow on my navel. The blow took the air right out of me, as Hayek drilled it in before getting up. I rose apprehensively expecting a flurry by Hayek. We grappled a bit before I noticed her stomach was in prime position. Much like the Armas Assault, I launched a full force knee into her stomach, the gasp on pain echoing through the empty room. Hayek didn’t have a six pack nor was she flabby but the blow took her foot off the floor. Hayek was a sitting duck for another and that’s what I did. Another brutal blow this time aiming for the upper section, right by the sternum. A scream of pain filled the room as she was barely upright, holding onto me. I could have pushed her off and watched her crumble but I called for one more blow. This got a resounding “FUCK YOU” in one last act of defiance. I didn’t go for a knee but darted behind and landed a nasty shin kick across her lower back. Hayek yelled in pain before falling to the floor, not knowing what to nurse. The stomach that just received two RPGs or the lower back that just took a nuke. It could’ve been worse, I was thinking of a boot to the breasts.
I wasted little time grabbed Hayek and forcing her up to her knees. I locked my arms around her throat for an old school sleeper hold. Her nails were digging into my arms, attempting to break the hold. I didn’t know how much fight she had left so I went all in, perhaps a mistake. I could feel her fading when suddenly she launched elbow after elbow into my sides. I finally broke the hold but the blows did their damage as she recovered. Hayek went all in trying a handstand scissors, the type that Gia Primo used to pull off. She isn’t Gia Primo, but she did unleash hell on my throat. I could see her struggling to maintain the stand and began grabbing at her hands, attempting to break. We eventually fell into a puddle of humanity, barely escaping a figure four attempt by the actress. We had been battling in a warm room, sweat covering our bodies. Hayek’s perfect body glistened and I presume this was another mind game. We locked up and I forced her against the wall, trying to tire her out against it. I wasn’t exerting that much energy but I knew her escape attempts would wilt her gas tank.
I think she knew my plan and responded with trash talk in Spanish calling out my weak strategy. She tried to go down to take me down and I was a second away from catching a fight ending guillotine. Hayek scurried out from against the wall and jumped on my back for a piggyback sleeper. Big mistake. I stumbled backwards and then struggled to turn around, her back to the wall. Hayek knew what was coming and let out an “OH SHIT” as I crushed her frame against the wall. It broke the hold as I turned and began peppering her stomach with blows. I wanted to turn that core of hers from strong to mashed potatoes. Hayek was fighting back, my blows weren’t these epic shots, these were speedbag blows. Every punch was countered with a stinging McMahon-style slap to the face from Hayek. I could see red marks developing on her stomach, I wanted to look like Anne Marie’s stomach in a 2003 belly punching video for Sleeperkid. Hayek took them but I knew she was struggling so I went for a big kick. The type that he launched with the shin and she’d lay over it. I didn’t go for the stomach.
I WENT FOR THE BREASTS.
My shin bounced off her legendary bust as her screams of pain filled the room. She went down to both knees, her hands massaging them. I stood over her and pulled her back up by the hair but was met with a vicious low blow that my cup barely protected. We were both on the ground, writhing in pain from the sensitive area blows. We both were up to our knees, staring daggers into each other, exchanging vicious slaps all over. We both grabbed hair in attempt to gain dominance. I could see Hayek balling up her fist but I dodged the big punch. Hayek dove in and I blocked it. I stood over her, grabbed her arms and pushed back with my feet. I was going for the standing surfboard, trying to force up. I sat down and locked both feet on her back and pushed up, the type of image that fetish sites would kill to use a selling point. This breasts of hers out at a maximum angle but my god she broke free. I got back up but she pushed me off before undoing her bikini top.
I got a good look before she threw the top at me and charged. I moved to the side and locked in a reverse bearhug. Remember the first rule, never go front bearhug, especially against a celeb that’s endowed like Hayek. I lifted her off the ground and squeezed away, sensing the energy in her body fading away. Nudity was her Hail Mary but intercepted the pass. I held her high as her legs kicked up and down, groans filling the room. Finally I lowered her quickly switched a normal bearhug. I went full force, squeezing whatever will she had left in her body. I even shoot lifted her off the ground, my arms digging into her ribs. All she could do was scream in pain as she painfully passed out from the hold.
Right?
Right?
Of course not! Hayek launched a low blow and connected with a knee right to the crotch. Good lord I felt ready to throw up from the pain. I let go and was going to one knee when Hayek grabbed my chin and pulled my head up to face her. The sight of her was an incredible turn out, her eyes filled with rage, heavy breathing and the breasts heaving. Hayek launched another slap that had my right cheek feeling numb. Another slap, followed by a third one and I could barely keep my head up. I saw her hand being balled into a fist and knew the killing blow was coming. I just barely dodged it and tripped her to the ground.
I snared my legs around her exposed breasts and began pressing down on them in a painful body scissors variation. They’re already quite big and now they looked comically large as she screaming in pain from the hold. Hayek was doing everything she could to escape, punching at my legs, digging her nails in and trying to bridge out. I had her trapped as I went full force with the hold as she finally screamed a submission. I let go of the hold right away as she held up her end of the bargain, telling me to put her out with whatever I wanted. Salma was on the ground still, tending to her wounded and no doubt sore breasts. I dragged her up and I could see that the fire in her eyes from earlier had disappeared. I decided to put her out the old fashioned way with a beathug. I lifted her off the ground and squeezed away, sensing the energy in her body fading away. Nudity was her Hail Mary but intercepted the pass. I held her high as her legs kicked up and down, groans filling the room. Finally I lowered her quickly switched a normal bearhug. I went full force, squeezing whatever will she had left in her body. I even shoot lifted her off the ground, my arms digging into her ribs. All she could do was scream in pain as she painfully passed out from the hold. The site of her exposed breasts heaving up and down while being locked in was a pleasant surprise. I also knew they were in serious pain from being pressed against my chest. Helluva turn-on Ill admit, as her head slumped against my shoulders, she had passed out from the hold. I gently let her down, I could see that she was completely knackered from the squeeze.
I put on foot on her legendary breasts, staring down as she slowly came to. She was staring up at me as I did a quick bicep flex over her defeated body.