ST JOHN'S 2018 RECAP
For the 48th consecutive year, our school tonight held a highly successful (and exciting) Feast of St John's catfight night. Four fights were held, and thanks to our generous donors, we raised more than $850,000 for the academic improvement and development of our school.
As is customary, we here summarize the outcome of the four fights, respecting the privacy of the fighters, with two notable exceptions.
In our first two fights, four school parents paired off in a pair of exciting slugfests. Both bouts were stopped in under five minutes, and we are aware that the school grapevine will be active over Winter Break speculating on the identity of, in particular, the two losing fighters. Since both of the defeated fighters observed the unwritten school rule of not giving their backs to their opponents, we would ask that you observe school custom and not disparage their courage in putting their bodies on the line in the arena of female battle. Similarly, we hope that the two winning school mom's have received satisfaction in whatever "beef" triggered tonight's battles, and will return to a spirit of school community with their vanquished foes.
Similarly, the third bout tonight ended in a conclusive draw after 25 minutes of even action. Since both fighters observed our other (and, most important) unwritten rule of arriving for action fully-conditioned, having taken advantage of our December-long volunteer trainers, we ask that their privacy also be respected during Winter Break holiday reunions and online gossip. Both women fought honorably, and further resolution of their orginal grudge would be, we hope all agree, counterproductive.
So, finally, we come to the highlight of the evening, and, really, the entire school community year. Taylor vs Natalie, both recent school alumna, Class of 2013. A 12-minute slugfest, an instant classic, a battle for the ages. Already donors are clamoring for more Young Alumna Duels next winter. The energy of the Taylor-Natalie grudge was palpable from opening to closing bell, the earnestness of the determination was unmistakable, the pride of their performance was perfection personified.
Throwing nothing but haymakers at each others' faces and heads, the two Amazons ferociously attacked with fists and elbows with unrelenting fury. The athleticism was world class, the skill level was grade-A all the way. After an unremitting pounding that made Rocky-vs-Apollo Creed look like a game of patty-cake, Natalie fell the the ground at the nine-minute mark of the epic war. Grizzled alumna in the crowd described the fall as resembling a gallant African savannah antelope being taken down by a ferocious lionness. Sensing blood, literally and figuratively, Taylor mounted her social media nemesis and exacted a fierce vengeance, pounding her rival with a flurry of blows which did not go completely unanswered.
Sadly for Natalie, however, the die was cast. She was never able to regain her feet, and the bout was mercifully stopped, with Taylor the victress. The crowd huzzah'd to the gallantry of both gladiatrices.
Defying all odds for those witnessing the battle, Natalie walked from the ring under her own power within 5 minutes of the fight stoppage.
In short, an entertaining evening for all involved.
A reading of John 17 occurred, honoring the literary merits of the Saint of the Day, the only disciple to escape execution.
We look forward to next Thsnkgiving Break 2019, when ballots for next year's bouts will be circulated.
Happy New Year.
