"I hate afternoon shift, worse than graveyard shift. At least with night work you got home at daybreak; you could do things during the day " I took a swig of beer. "I hate unpaid overtime."
"Jenn, you’re not alone. We have all done a lot of that this week"
"Yeah, I know Tamikya. Everything at work had been hell. Management’s talking about NAFTA, about competition. We all know what that means- wage cuts, redundancies ‘doing more with less’ and the next year the company will announce a record profit."
"Jenn you’re just wasting time."
"Yeah I know I am." I was in this bar near work; I’d been there since I finished work at 10 p.m. I looked at the clock. It was about midnight. "But so what? Nothing, The company’s threatening to close the plant and move somewhere-anywhere I guess –it was just a threat"
"Are you game to call their bluff?" Tamikya niggled me.
"It gets me nowhere unless we all are. Are you prepared to strike?" I threw that niggle right back. I didn’t need my dark side to tell me that was a way to lose a friend; it was obvious. But I was so angry it didn’t matter any more. I went on. "Look at that jerk Ron Paul on TV calling for lower wages." That was back before his jerk son was doing it- like he is now. "He makes me puke. All those Republicans, they won’t take lower wages themselves. . These neo cons- trying to fuck over us workers and send all the jobs to China. And they call themselves patriots.” I swigged another mouthful of beer.
“They forget that this country was a high wage country- the land of opportunity, the land where Henry Ford got people working at Dearborn because he offered them a $5 day wage. It was double the then going wage. He called it wage motive and it worked. Ford became the most successful car company.
“And now they want to take wage cuts. Or they say it will be our jobs on the line. It used to be a fair days pay for a fair days work.”
"So, what are you going to do? At least your Mom is active in the union local. Why don’t you do something!"
I stared at my friend. She knew I didn’t have an answer. What Tamikya didn’t know was why. It wasn’t the wage cuts; it wasn’t even the argument I’d had with the supervisor that week. No, it went much deeper than that.
I was a mess.
Ever since I started bullying at school –and that started when some kid teased me too much and I hit back- I’d had this inner voice telling me I was a shitty person. I’d got used to my dark side ticking me off, but this was new. My dark side was at me about Cassie. She had come round one winters’ evening; a day or so before this night. My parents were out visiting; we started watching a video. I still don’t know how it happened but one moment Cassie was being bratty; I was annoyed with her, I was yelling at her. Next moment I had her over my lap spanking her butt.
Sure I’d bullied kids, sure I’d made them squeal and sure I’d really liked doing that.
"And," my dark side snapped, "that was sick enough."
I stopped spanking Cassie. I started to say sorry. I pulled her up and kissed her. And even now it’s hard to find words for how I felt next. She kissed me back, I cuddled her; she sighed contentedly. I kissed her deeper, I started groping her. I’d never done this, never with a girl. She sighed, wriggled in my lap and kissed me. I kept going, slipping my hands under her top. Cassie sighed and kissed me. Next I knew we were making out on my parent’s lounge. I had Cassie’s top and jeans off and I was rubbing her through her panties. I gasped; I stopped. I’d never done anything like this, sure I’d been there with some guys-though not on my parents lounge. But a girl- Cassie, whom I had known from school, Cassie whom I had just slapped till she cried. "I’m sorry Cassie, this is all wrong"
"What is?" she kissed me. "Jenn, I like it’s ok, it’s more than ok." She kissed me again; she wiggled her butt in my lap again. I had an adrenalin rush- unlike anything I’d ever had before-mixed power, sex; I don’t know what I only knew I wanted to keep going. I slid my hand inside her panties. "Oh yes Jenn, please Jenn oh." She wiggled more. She moaned, sighed and panted. She gasped as my finger probed between her lower lips.
I looked at her. It seems stupid now- guess it was stupid then but I was so muddled. I'd just spanked Cassie till her butt was red. Now we were making out. She wiggled, she gasped, I was so hot and excited I just kept going. I fingered Cassie, she moaned more she kissed me, she sighed. And in a few minutes I had her cumming on my fingers.
When we had finished we just looked at each other. It was such a shock. I knew nothing except that I had got this huge thrill from making Cassie squeal with pain and then sexual pleasure.
I don't know how she felt. We were too shocked to talk much. I made her coffee and we drank in silence still looking at each other. She went home.
So there I was cursing myself, in the bar still trying to work out what had happened. Yeah I know it sounds stupid and my dark side told me that then. It told me more than I was a stupid dyke though. It went on about how vile it was to get a buzz out of fighting, of wanting to make girls like Cassie squeal with mingled fear, pain and sexual pleasure. It was plain wrong. Belting up people was a crime. I’d go to jail for it. “And so” my dark side sneered, “you should. And there you’d find what violence was really like.”
I tried to tell myself that that was what Cassie wanted too; and if Cassie how many others? Were a few of the girls who used to tag around with me at school like her? But my dark side would have none of that. No, it told me what I had done was evil, dirty, cruel. And, it went on; “Cassie was kinky too. She was all twisted too –she had to be- no normal person liked pain. It didn’t matter,” it said, “however much Cassie- or anyone else liked it- it was just wrong to hurt people.” I tried to tell the voice it wasn’t like that. I looked after Cassie. I helped her. I stood up for her; I protected her from her mom from people who caused her troubles. “Yeah, a protection racket”, it sneered
What was wrong with me? Why did I want to bully others, why did l like dealing out pain? Why did I get such a buzz from working Cassie over? And what was wrong with Cassie; why did she like pain? The inner voice never gave up. I could leave work and the supervisors, but my inner voice would remind me about the overtime, about how I just accepted all that shit the bosses threw. I could sit in this bar away from my friends but the voice would remind me how lousy a friend I was to them. I could avoid Cassie, ignore her SMS, her emails but the voice would remind me how shitty a person I was. And it did. And it was doing it then.
"So," my dark side sneered, "You don’t want to go home because there’ll be a message from Casssie. You’ll have to think another excuse to put her off." I stood in the bar, confused, angry with myself for being such a coward- that I didn’t want to face a friend, scared of what Cassie –Cassie- might say to me. I fumed.
"Come on Tamikya. Let’s play pool."
We had already had one game. “Any excuse,” the voice sneered, ‘any thing to avoid facing yourself.”
I went to the bar to get another drink while Tamikya went to the pool table. . The door opened, a gust of icy wind rushed in- I shivered, turning to see a pretty, slim redhead. She strode to the bar, pulling off a topcoat. "It’s so stuffy in here!"
I looked at her. She made me shiver- I couldn’t imagine how anyone could be warm in the cream halter, navy skirt and boots which was all she was wearing under the top coat. I took a closer look, they were all designer labels; she was well made up. She was not the sort you expected to see in a South side bar this late at night altogether too up market.
"It might be stuffy but at least its not cold, come over here and get warm. What are you doing here?" I tried to be friendly.
"Meeting someone," she replied.
"An out of the way bar like this is an odd place to meet someone." I tried to strike up a conversation. My voice told me I was still trying to avoid facing myself. I told it I was trying to be friendly.
"Yes." The redhead was terse. She could have given President Coolridge a head start and still spoken less than he had. She lit a cigarette and puffed smoke in my face. She turned away.
"So much for being friendly," I told my dark side.
"You didn’t try hard," it snapped back. "Quitter! Whatever- do you think she would like you? You who can’t face yourself, you who whinges and niggles all the time. You who likes belting people up. No one likes you. And there’s a reason. You’re sick!"
I saw the redhead shiver. "There’s a fire over in the corner if you are cold," I tried again.
“Whatever,” the redhead snapped.
“Leave her and come play pool.” Tamikya suggested.
I picked up my beer. The redhead turned to me, puffed smoke in my direction and turned away.
I coughed; I couldn’t stand cigarette smoke. “Do you mind, there’s a room for smokers over there.” I pointed.
“How’s that for politeness?” I tried to impress my dark side.
“It’s empty, I’d have to come back here to get a drink and as you pointed out its cold and there is no fire there.” She puffed more smoke. She was challenging me- but why. I wasn’t going to bite. I spluttered.
"Red’s spoiling for a fight" one of the guys muttered. "Who does she think she is any way?"
"Better than that fat bitch" she hissed staring at me
"Shut up bitch." I turned away, I didn’t want a fight, not then, not when I was tired after a day’s work, not when I was churned up inside. Any way I was going to play pool.
"Watch out Jenn" Tamikya yelled. I ducked just in time to avoid the redhead’s punch to my cheek. It hit me on the side of my skull just above my ears. I dropped my glass on the bar. I was lucky it didn’t break
"No one calls me a bitch!" Red hissed at me.
Still wondering what I had done to so annoy her, I turned towards the redhead. I took a punch to my chest that rocked me back. This bitch was savage. She followed it with a third punch that had it landed on my chin would have poleaxed me. I backed away. She came after me firing punches so quickly I couldn’t regroup. Her blows were fast hard hitting, accurate. But she was overconfident. I fired a quick punch to her mid section. It hit. She gasped. My punch bought me a few seconds.
I needed that time. She was still fired up and sending punches left and right. But now I was weaving, ducking and blocking her blows. Only a few got through. I sized her up. I sent a punch aimed at her chest. This hit. She fell back a pace. About time too, I had to stand my ground. I sucked in air. She came attacking. I swung my knee. She saw; she weaved to the side. She attacked again, I moved in, taking her blow. I slammed my body into hers, knocking her back. I fired two quick punches at her sides. She groaned. I grabbed her in a bear hug. I squeezed hard. She hit out; her fists pounding my sides so hard I let her go. Again she backed off. At least I’d slowed her.
I feinted with a punch to her side. She stepped away, just as I had intended and straight into my upraised knee. It hit her thigh. Hard. She stumbled. I followed up with a punch aimed at her chest. She took it and fired one back. I dodged it. She attacked, firing hard punches again. Again they hit. They hurt. A lot. I gave way partly because I had to, partly wanting to see what I’d done to her leg. She almost limped. I knew I’d slowed her down bad. I smiled and side stepped. I fired a punch to her tummy. She gasped as it hit home. I hit her again. She almost doubled over.
I moved in. I’d already fought off her first fury. I told myself the tide had turned. But then she came back with a kick to my midsection. She was athletic! And here I was thinking she was limping. Her fully extended leg thrust slammed into my belly, forcing me back against some tables. I hit them hard. I stood up arms raised.
She advanced slowly, favouring the leg I’d kneed. Her kick had hurt her. I just knew she expected it to be a knock out blow. It wasn’t. The red head bitch feinted to my belly. I tracked her- dropping my arms to block her blow. I was still dazed and half-winded. I didn’t want her pounding my gut again. She swung up and struck a stinging blow to my face, if I hadn’t turned my head at the last moment she would have hit my chin. I couldn’t retreat. I tried to body slam her. I almost impaled myself on her upraised knee. I managed to push it one side. I fired a punch; she stepped back.
I tried to wrestle her, grappling her, hoping to force her to the floor. She dodged out of my arms at the last moment. I pressed forward again. I elbowed her as she dodged. That hurt her. She hissed.
I punched her again in the gut. She spluttered; I followed my right with my left to the same area. She gagged and doubled over clutching her tummy. I fired a punch at her chin, her head snapped up. She stumbled back. I grabbed her in a second bear hug; again she fought me off. But as she did so I snaked my foot behind her and shoved my arms against her shoulders. She stumbled and almost fell.
I slammed my fists into her undefended belly. She gasped, she rocked on her feet; she threw up. There was a foul smell of vomit. I sent one more punch into her tummy, she sank to her knees moaning.
My dark side growled, "Satisfied now? You should be. You just destroyed that poor girl. You are disgusting. Loser. Yeah, loser because you can't make friends. Loser because you can't control your temper. Loser because you can’t relate to people. Loser because you get your jollies from beating people up. Loser!"
I got a bucket of water. “Trying to make amends are you? Loser” Like I said my voice never stopped. I came back. The red head was still kneeling, still moaning.
I splashed the water over the redhead. "Come on girl get up stop moaning. You don’t belong here anyway. This isn’t the place for your kind. You said you were only here to meet a friend. I don’t think your friend is coming. On your way!”
And my dark side told me I was an uncaring, nasty sadistic bitch. And it was right. But I was right too; the redhead didn’t belong in a Southside bar; she was too dressy, too stylish to hang with factory workers. She looked more like an actress and probably a good one.
At that moment the outside door banged. A woman much the same build as me but a few years older –say about 30 or a bit more- dressed to suit the weather walked in.
The redhead gasped, "Dee!"
The new woman looked from me to the redhead. "What’s all this about?"
Now I must have been stupid not to realise this was the redheads’ friend, but like I said, I had been working, I had done overtime and it was late at night. I turned to her. "This bitch was mouthy she took a swing at me. She got what she deserved, ask the guys- they will tell you."
"She doesn’t take a swing at anyone without a reason hun, so why don’t you leave her alone?"
It was then I realised who I was talking to. I shrugged. "Sure; I’m finished with her." I let Red go.
‘Dee’-and even then I thought what a stupid name- grabbed her, stopping her from slumping to the floor. "What happened, Kym?"
So the red head was Kym. That was more useless information. Kym sat down, "I came here waiting for you, I was just chatting, well flirting a bit. These rednecks are fun for a while- and this woman came over and started hassling me. I pushed her away. She wouldn’t take that. I slapped her. She fought me. Oh I’m gonna be sick again." And she was.
Dee stormed over to me. "Hey what’s this about you starting things with my friend?"
"I tried to be nice, I tried to chat to her. She puffed cigarette smoke in my face! She was mouthy! She pushed me. Don’t you think you’d better clean her up?"
"She told me you were giving her a hard time!"
"Yeah she did. She lied. She’s a mouthy bitch."
"You seem like a mouthy bitch yourself."
I just couldn’t win; I had tried to befriend Kym. She had fought me instead. I’d told Dee the truth. She was edging for a fight too. And my dark side sneered, "You just love it! Don’t hide it, you’re wet with eagerness. You ‘re lusting to take her down!"
My dark side was right. I tried to tell myself I didn’t want to fight. I wasn't going to give in to temptation. "Look at your friend before you talk like that. See where it got her."
"I'm not her, hun and from the look of you, shouldn’t be too hard to shut your mouthy ass up."
I’d had enough. After all Tamikya and the guys from work were there. "Oh yeah! You want to try?"
She surprised me. She quickly closed on me, rammed her left fist into my belly. "You mean like that bitch?" I grunted, tried to find some room; she fired her right at my kidney region. "No, I don’t want to try, I am going to succeed," Dee gloated.
She punched me again. And again. My ribs stung, my belly ached. I stepped sideways, putting space between us. She came after me, landing another punch. I groaned. I tried to regroup; so far I hadn’t touched her. I wanted to remedy that. I fired a punch at her gut. She leapt back, avoiding me. She countered, her blow hit. But she had come too close, too confident. I landed a punch in her gut.
“Fuck you bitch”, she snarled, baring her teeth, rushing at me, her left punching my side, her right extended, trying to grab my hair.
I swung my leg up hoping to crash my knee into her plump gut. 'I’ll fuck you whore! Like I did your friend!"
She groaned; she doubled over, she staggered off to the side clutching her belly.
I closed on her, trying to grab her hair. I could finish the fight if I could drive her head into my knee. I’d shatter the slut.
She must have seen me. She stood, turned to me; her left lashed out pounding my chest I stepped back, this bitch was tough! She attacked again, this time I dodged her punch. I moved to the side then in, lashing at her tummy with my left, my right aimed just below her breasts. I felt both punches hit home and sink into her soft flesh.
She moaned; her mouth dropped open. She punched back. It wasn’t as hard as her first volleys but it hit hard, just above my navel. I could take it; I could take punishment so long as I could dish it out. And I was! I waded in firing another volley- the same left right combo, aimed at the same spot. Dee gasped; she doubled over, her arms wrapping around her belly as she staggered away.
“I’ll smash you slut. Like I did your friend.” I paused, did I really want to; I told my dark side I was going to be nice. I dropped my hands to my side.
"Ok you get your ass out of here and don’t come back!"
Dee snarled, “In your dreams.” She straightened faster than I thought possible, sending a hard left uppercut into my belly. I groaned, half winded. She attacked, using her fists. Pounding me. I gasped, I retreated; I got a table between us. I stood, trying to recover. She tried to close; I kept the table between us. Angrily she upended the table. I dodged and as the table crashed on its side I kicked hard. Dee ’s gasp told me it had hit her shins. I lashed out at her head, my punch hit. She gasped. She tried to regain her initiative. I closed on her, shoving her, my leg snaking behind her hurt leg. I pushed hard. She stumbled; I pushed again. She fell, her back hitting a chair. I pounced, pounding her body against the chair. She squirmed, she rolled, she pushed. We fell in a tangle. We rolled on the floor for a moment each trying to get uppermost. Just when I thought I had her, my hand holding her head- I was about to slam it into the floor. She cuffed my ears. My head rang. I couldn’t focus. I rolled away; I got to my feet.
I’d hurt her. She was shaky on her feet. “Just go woman” I said. “Go with your friend!”
She had to attack – I don’t know why. “Yes you do.” My voice replied, “when did you just go on your way, when you fight you never give in, you have to fight till you finish her or she finishes you.” She grabbed at my wrist. She pulled me. I almost stumbled. She thrust her leg out; it hit my side. I groaned. I shoved hard. I broke free. I know, I just know if she hadn’t been hurt, she wouldn’t have let me go. But she was.
She stood. I thrust a punch; she blocked it. I tried again she dodged. I feinted at her head; she blocked it but my real blow- my left to her tummy got through. She groaned; my fist sank deep, it was like her flesh folded over, as if I’d speared her. She staggered. She gasped. I swung my knee up. It impaled her. She sank to her knees. She fell forward on her arms too.
I grabbed her hair.” Give in bitch”
She moaned.
Give in or I will pulp you!”
“Yes you got me” she groaned.
"Just leave, get going." I watched them leave, supporting each other.
I went to get a beer. “Disgusting” my dark side told me. “You didn’t have to fight either of them. You’re a bully." I tried to argue with it.
It was pointless. It was right. I did want to fight. It made me hot. It made me excited. Yeah I was a freak. I was even more of a freak as I wondered whether Cassie would be awake. I saw her, stretched over my lap, panting, begging. "Yeah and that's disgusting too. And it’s kinky. Poor Cassie, what with her trash Mom, no Dad, and now you, the poor kid never had a break!” And again my dark side was right. So there I was where I started. . Some extra bruises but nothing else had changed. I was pissed at the world and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to make it better. Where would it end? Oh...and what the hell was I going to do about Cassie?"
