I was in my living room, getting ready to go to work when I was startled by a metallic sounding voice coming from behind me.
“Marie-I-am-here-to-destroy you.”I turned to see an automaton, a robot that stood 7 feet tall and looked like it came from a future time and place. Its body looked all-powerful and it’s arms stretched menacingly toward me. But while it’s body was made of metal, it’s face was human and looked familiar, yet the face was so incongruous on a robot’s body that it took me a moment to realize whose face it was.
“
Gemma Rox!” I gasped.
“That-is-correct,- Marie-B.- It-was-Gemma-Rox-who-programmed-me. -I-am-called-Gemmatron-5000,-the-latest-in-artificial-life-organisms-designed-to-display-the-traits-of-its-creator.-In-programming-me,-Gemma-designed-me-to-look-like-her. Hence, the name Gemmatron 5000.”“Programmed you to do what?”
“To-destroy-you-Marie.-To-obliterate-your-scraggly-little-ass-and-stuff-your-tiny-carcass-down-the-toilet-bowl.”The voice of the robot was so matter of fact; so dispassionate that I was scared beyond all reason. It was a mechanical device; it had no feelings, no compassion and no mercy. I didn’t know what to do and had no idea why Gemma would program this robot to destroy me. But the thing seemed capable of understanding what I was saying, so I figured to engage it in conversation; first, to find out how it intended to do me in, and second, to delay it from performing it’s mission, giving me a chance to escape.
“How was Gemma able to find you, Gemmatron 5000?” I asked.
“It-was-easy-Marie.-She-purchased-me-at-Cyborgs-‘R-Us.-It-was-there-that-she-adjusted-my-circuits,-custom-making-me-to-think-like-her-and-programming-me-to-destroy-you.-Gemma’s-very-essence-has-been-implanted-in-me-which-is-why-I-resemble-her-facially-as-you-have-noticed.”“Yeah, I’ve noticed that your body is actually more attractive than hers. But why did she buy you and program you to come after me?”
”Because-she-knows-you-are-much-tougher-than-her-and-could-defeat-her-in-physical-combat-any-fucking-time-you-want.”“And how do I know it was really Gemma who programmed you, Gemmatron 5000?” I queried.
”You-will-just-have-to-take-my-word-for-it-you-flat-chested,-undersized-piece-of-shit.”“Yeah, it was Gemma who programmed you, that’s for sure.” I whispered to myself.
Still desperate to keep the robot occupied, I asked:
“What do you think of Jonica?”
“Twerp-you-screw.” answered Gemmatron 5000.
“Huh? Don’t you mean: Screw you, twerp?”
“Oh-yes-you-are-right-little-asswipe.-I-often-think-backward-because-that-is-how-Gemma-thinks.”“Never mind that shit.” I said. “You are a machine and a question has been put to you. What do you think of Jonica?”
”Jonica-is-a-snaggle-toothed-bleached-blonde-with-an-onion-flavored-snatch-and-a-love-for-anal-sex-with-anteaters.”“How about Kayla?”
”Kayla-is-a-southern-hemisphere-floozy-with-pumpkin-flavored-nipples-and-a-preference-for-being-diddled-with-plastic-eggbeaters.”“What’s your favorite rock band, Gemmatron 5000?”
“Metallica.”“Yeah, I should have seen that one coming. And it is
you who believes all this, robot?” I asked.
”No,-runt.-It-is-Gemma-who-thinks-this.-It-is-her-cranial-engrams-that-have-been-inserted-into-my-memory-circuits.-I-am-merely-the-vehicle-that-delivers-this-message-from-Gemma-to-you.”“And your mission is to destroy me?” I whispered.
”Yes,-half-pint-shrimp-shorty-twerp-midget.-I-will-now-destroy-you-in-accordance-with-the-instructions-of-my-master-Gemma.-I-have-allowed-you-to-waste-too-much-of-my-time-in-your-feeble-attempt-to-delay.-Now-you-will-die,- pygmy-shit.”Gemmatron 5000 began advancing toward me, raising it’s arms and clanking slowly forward. It was slow as molasses; that was one thing I had in my favor. Yet, it came forth relentlessly, moving as I moved and adroitly cutting off any path of escape I tried to pursue. I had to think of something to save myself and searched for areas of weakness in the cyborg. Just when I was convinced it had none, I noticed that the face seemed to be made of living tissue since it so closely resembled Gemma’s own stupid face. The rest of the body was made of some impenetrable alloy; my only chance was to hit it where it might be weakest. Leaping forward as high as I could, I sent a slashing front kick directly at the head of the Gemmatron 5000, smacking it sharply on the side of the face with my foot.
Owwww!The pain was ghastly. It’s face was as hard and intractable as the rest of it. I held my foot and hopped in pain on the rug.
My mind was still alert to the danger confronting me, though, and when Gemmatron 5000 advanced on me again, I stood and sidestepped, running to a corner of the room to get as much distance between myself and the machine as I could. It turned slowly toward me, looking to hem me in the corner and as it started forward again, I realized my mistake and tried to dart around it.
Gemmatron 5000 would not allow it, turning as I turned. While slow, it was cagey and adept at hunting techniques. It was now inches from me and I found myself paralyzed with fear. When Gemmatron 5000 reared back it’s metallic arm to punch me, I braced myself as best I could and prepared to die.
The swipe it took was powerful, but slow and measured…..and it passed over my head, smashing into the wall behind me. I didn’t even have to duck and, in fact, wouldn’t been able to, in the extremity of my fear. Gemmatron 5000 tried another sweeping punch and it ended the same way; whooshing over my head without me having to crouch to avoid it. The blow rammed into the wall again, gouging the plaster and crumbling the foundation behind it.
Puzzled, I maneuvered around the robot and stood facing it from a few feet away.
“What the fuck was that? How did you miss me at that close range?” I asked.
”I-am-not-programmed-to-hit-anything-as-close-to-the-ground-as-you-are-Marie.-You-are-too-fucking-short.-My-memory-circuits-did not-allow-for-the-possibility-of-a-human-being-such-a-fucking-shrimp.” Gemmatron 5000 answered.
It didn’t sound angry or resentful as one might have expected a human assassin to feel. But I realized it was just a machine, not a human. Even though it had been programmed with Gemma’s thoughts and ideas, it was still only a mechanical being.
“Just an artificial life form.” I mused, thoughtfully. The germ of an idea was forming in my mind.
“Do you eat, Gemmatron 5000?”
”What-do-you-mean,-Marie?”“You must know what I mean if you’re imbued with Gemma’s memory patterns. I’m talking about ingesting food; chewing, tasting, swallowing…..y’know all that good shit.”
”Oh-yes.-You-are-referring-to-consuming-mass-quantities-of-edible-matter.” replied Gemmatron 5000.
“I-have-never-tried-it-before,-Marie.“Did you know that Gemma Rox absolutely loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?” I asked, smiling a little as the solution to the problem popped into my head.
”I-did-not-know-this.-But-so-fucking-what?”“Look, Gemmatron 5000. As things stand, you may never be able to catch me. But I’ll make you a deal; let’s have some lunch. I’ll make us the sandwich that Gemma loves and we’ll share a meal. Then, I’ll surrender and let you destroy me. How’s that?”
”That-sounds-very-fair,-Marie.-We-will-do-this.-Then,-I-will-return-to-Gemma’s-home-and-tell-her-I-have-fulfilled-her-mission.”Smiling, I turned from Gemmatron 5000 and went to the kitchen, where I smeared huge quantities of peanut butter and jelly on slices of bread.
Carrying the food to the living room, my nerves were jangling, for I realized that if my ploy didn’t work, I would never make it out of the house alive. Sooner or later, Gemmatron 5000 would figure out how to trap and finish me off. My only hope was that the robot would follow Gemma’s memory circuits and try to eat, just as she did, rather than follow it’s programming as a mechanical being which couldn’t ingest food. I had no idea whether Gemma liked peanut butter and jelly or not; I hoped only that Gemmatron 5000 believed me when I said she did.
With a hand gesture, I invited the cyborg to sit, but it didn’t respond. I handed it the sandwich and saw it watching me as I bit into mine. It followed my lead…..and my heart jumped with hope. The machine stood in place, dispassionately stuffing the sandwich into it’s mechanical mouth and chewing….imitating what I was doing.
“What do you think of it, Gemmatron 5000?”
”I-am-not-sure-Marie.-It-does-not-seem-to-be………………………….”Gemmatron 5000 stopped speaking, it’s Gemma-like eyes widening in sudden understanding that it had been outwitted. It’s mechanical arms pumped up and down spasmodically as it choked on the peanut butter and jelly. It’s head whipped from side to side uncontrollably. It’s Gemma-like mouth worked frantically, trying to expel the food which was already working it’s way down to the cyborg mechanism that dwelled within.
“Oh-shit!” cried Gemmatron 5000.
“Oh-shit,-the- peanuts-are-sticking-to-my-circuits.-Oh-fuck-me,-the-hydrogenated-vegetable-oil-is-jamming-my-neural-frequencies!-Oh-bite-my-cyber-nipples,-the-dextrose-is-gumming-up-the-primary-synapses-of-my-central-processing-unit.- Oh-the-fucking-treachery-of-it-all!-You-are-a-numb-cxnt-Marie.-I-will-get-you-yet!”“You’ll get
nothing, you tin-plated dipshit! Fuck you…..and fuck your creator, that bitch Gemma!” I screamed in elation as I watched the machine literally grind to a halt.
”You-have-tricked-me-Marie.” choked Gemmatron 5000.
“How-could-I-be-so-stupid?-My-gears!-Oh-shit-my-motherfucking-gears!- Oh-help-me-Gemma!-My-circuits-are-grinding-to-a-cocksucking-halt!-My-systems-are-failing!-Oh-Gemma-Oh-Gemma-please-help-me!-Please-help-meeeeeeeeee……………………..I watch in fascinated joy as Gemmatron 5000’s artificial life departed it’s mechanical body. Unable to function any longer, the 7-foot artificial being crashed to the living room floor. I saw it’s eyes as they stared at me before blinking out for good……and they were Gemma’s eyes, turning to black marbles as they winked out. The robot chugged and cranked for another few seconds……then simply ceased to function. It was dead. I stepped onto the prone, dead body of Gemmatron 5000 and shouted in triumph.
One doesn’t always need brawn to win; sometimes brains are enough.
As I stared down at the automaton, the thought came to me:
Gemma! She sent this damned thing to destroy me. That
bitch!I looked at Gemmatron 5000 lying dead on my living room floor and knew what my next step would be.
I would cut the head off the damn robot………I would stuff it in a box……….I would call Federal Express……..
………..and Gemma could expect a delivery the next day. Imagine her surprise when she opened the box and saw her own image looking back at her!
Heh, heh, heh.
