[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK:  My name is Debbie.  I'm discovered TABSK in my 20s in college, and you helped me thru post-college dating, a marriage, a divorce, and post-divorce dating.  The latter phase of my life was going swimmingly, with my having found a stable career gentleman who was on the same page as me in our current wants--a no-pressure, take-it-slow mature relationship.

Well, cue the Bitch From Hell music.  Enter Susan.  Well, let me stop myslf there (it's hard for me to stay calm when discussing Susan--you'll see why shortly):  in fairness to Susan, my gentleman lover approached her.  As he was entitled to--he and I have not committed to exclusivity with each other .... not yet.  But, Susan accepted his flirtations and offered up her number .... and dinner dates .... quite rapidly.

Turns out .... Susan is on online 'Dating Coach'.

Turns out ..... Susan offers my lover tips ON DATING ME.

How fucked up is that?  If she was a therapist, this would be blatant conflict of interest .... unprofessional .... dis-bar-able.  (If that's a word.)  But because 'Dating Coach' is an unofficial job .... she gets off Scot-free.

TABSK, this bitch is going down.  She badmouths me under the guise of balancing critiques with (back-handed) compliments/praise.  My question for you is:  do a battle her out in the open, where my man can see it transpiring?  Or do I 'invite her the step outside' immediately?  I don't want to appear afraid of evaluation.  Debbie

Dear Debbie--Goodness, you've stepped into it, haven't you?  What a scam Susan has found.  Keep your options open.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK:  Tricia here, same generation as Debbie.  And I'm with both of you:  Pffffffftttt to 'dating coaches'.  During the pandemic, I was Zooming with a gentleman who was paying a 'dating coach' to teach him how to overcome his 'Approach Anxiety' and have a 'Personal Discussion' with women.

Soooooo, wanba know what I did.  I overcame my own 'Approach Anxiety' with romantic rivals abx knocked on the door of her home, unannounced, and told her I'd like to have a 'Personal Discussion' with her in private.

After some awkwardness (mostly on my part--she came across as the same cocky bitch offline as she did online), the discussion got real personal. 

And so did the hairpulling.

Then the all-out catfighting.

I got my point across.  She stopped taking my man's money.  And feeding him her bullshit.

I recommended Debbie do the same.  Tricia


Dear Tricia--You go girl.  Good to see at 'dating coach' get her walking papers.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK (and Debbie, and Tricia)--Jane here, a 45 year old lifelong reader.  Dating coaches sure to have a lot to answer for.  Three more years of their crap and all of America will be ghosting and blocking the rest of America.  Then everyone, male AND female, will be an incel (notice how that word has fallen out of use since everyone was coached to the path of becoming one?).

Trish had the right idea.  If you get the chance to pull a dating coach by the hair, take it.  Jane.

Dear Jane:  Preach, sister!  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Sandy, here, a 56 year old lifelong reader.  I echo the sentiments here, or at least empathize with them, but come at that from a different angle.

I think that about half of dating coaches are simply messengers of the sick turn dating has taken since smartphones became ubiquitous, while I think the other half are unwittingly amplifying malicious behaviors (and, thus, yes, deserve to have their hair pulled).

TABSK, here are the two most barbarous, uncivilized messages which have become canonized since 2015 or so.

1.  That a nice guy is a "simp".  A nice guy may indeed be unfuckable.  But, TABSK, turning him into a villain by labelling him a "simp" is cruel.  He's already vulnerable, and giving him a label puts a target on his back as fair game for bullying by the worst kind of women.  TABSK, just this past Christmas, my nice guy (and VERY fuckable) husband was pranked out of $100 by a service worker, who if she had simply asked, would have received $1,000 from her if she had simply asked.  In 1984, she would have received a hand-to-hand ass-kicking from me, as his wife/girlfriend.  But, no, it's 2024...so he's a simp, and she laughs to the bank.  Barbarous--Attila the Hun level.

2.  "Ghosting".  TABSK, when I was of dating age, I would never have dreamed of ghosting an ex, even if it a single date.  I always sucked it up and said, "Sorry, this just isn't working for me.  But you're very cute--keep trying."  Today, the woman gets to take the easy way out and pretend the other person was on Air Malaysia Flight 370.  Now that I think about it, that's what Flight 370 decided to do to us--not crash, just ghost us all.

So, if you dating coach rival is getting on your nerves, tell her to fix these two problem asap.  Or else.  Sandy.

Dear Sandy--Tell you husband sorrh from all of us.  And don't let that service worker off the hook.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Isabelle-Marie here, a 61 year old bi-lingual Quebecois, who also spent a great deal of my youth, then adulthood, snowbirding in Maine, Florida, and various parts of the lower-48.  So I've seen the ebbs and floqs of American dating life from a semi-distanced perspective.

And with that, I'll start by saying .... shout out to all the Boomer/Gen-X readers who grew up in the 1970s!!!  I'm with the thread cutting women dating coaches a break as being more messeger than villain, although I might add, that in the good ole rough-and-tumble 1970s, rather than being dating coaches (there was no such thing, after all!!!), we women were holding each other accountable!!!  With sharp words certainly, and if necessary, with claws and sharp elbows!!!

Ladies, rememeber the days .... if we broke a boy's heart, especially in an inappropriate way, we were accountable not to HIM .... but to the WOMEN in his life.  His sisters, his cousins, his platonic girlfriends, his fuck-buddies.  Ladies of the 1970s, admit it:  you all had an unpleasant post-breakup run-in with that special girl in his life, holding you accountable for what you'd done.  And dhe wasn't looking for an apology, or the re-unite you with your ex.... she was collecting on a debt, and didn't stop swinging until you had paid in full. 

And, more importantly.... at least once, WE were the dispenser of justice.  Sometimes, it was our first real fight.

Like a lot of 1970s customs, like bullying and, well, anti-DEI stuff, things went too far and were a cover  for unenlightened behavior.

But, admit it.  A lot of Karen's never became adult Karen's .... because the problem was "addressed" in high school.

I think I'll leave things at that.  Isabelle-Marie


Dear Isabelle-Marie, bet there's a good story, or three, in there somewhere.  We think our younger readers would benefit ftom hearing them.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear Readers--I know TABSK usually only speaks its mind in response to one of your questions.  But we just had to break tradition this morning.  As bad as the female 'dating coaches', and their message, has gotten, the Red Pill male dating coaches are even worse. 

Well, the universe eventually self-corrects, and we saw a real howler posted on YouTube the other day.  Check this out:  a Red Pill coach said that men are using his Disrespect-Don't-Chase methods, and they are indeed getting their target woman's attention.  But then they continue to scorn her, even after she offers up her body to him on a silver platter.  So no sex ends up happening.  The coach cops out with, "Those men are taking my techniques too far."

Well, No Shit, Sherlock.  You've poisoned the well between the sexes so thoroughly, that now you complain when no one can drink the water?  Fuck off.  Go crawl back in the hole you came from.

So, perhaps there's hope.  Perhaps the pendulum is swinging back.  A girl can hope, right?  TABSK

P.S.  Isabelle-Marie:  Anxiously awaiting your story of holding another woman accountable!  Just sayin'.

[sinclairfan]

Dear Readers:  compiling several responses we've received on the lack of accountability of dating coaches for the Head Game Minefield they've turned 2020s dating into.  There was a gratifying volume of observations of The Pendulum .... and of dating coaches..... "coming around" to more sensible tactics, and not just force-feeding men fistfuls of Red Pills.

One (male) dating coach in particular has released a YouTube video reminding men to make known to their attractive female dates that he is still seeing an(other) attractive female.... even better, all in the same weekend.  The two women will of course make a point to text HIYA during the others' date .... after all, she can't help herself.

Because .... catfight hormones.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK:  Helen, here, a 47 year old lifelong reader and, yes, a dating coach.  Thank you for (finally) bringing in some dating coach perspective, and .... if I might add some further balance:  can we critique some client behaviors?

Or one of them?

Ghosting.  And, specifically, the Gen-Z form of ghosting.  Ghosting began in cyberspace as a form of going thru a 500-unread message email inbox and prioritizing which emails to reply to and which to delete.  Because, well, there's only 24 jours in a day.

But then ..... Gen-Z carried that behavior into the IRL world, and chose whose hellos to acknowledge and which to .... ignore.

People .... when you don't even care to tell a person, "No, thank you," , or "This isn't working for me," or "I already have a boyfriend,".....

That's not ghosting the person.....

That's snubbing them.  And it's rude.
Helen.

Dear Helen-- TABSK is reminded of high school girls, back in the day, who used to respond to date or prom requests with a simple, "Ew".  At least they said something.  A snub needs to be called out as rudeness.  Thank you for the reminder.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear Debbie--It's rare for TABSK to respond to "closed topics" or old letters, so a few of us have had some dating mini-dramas play out the past year or so, and have been 'chatting amongst ourselves' and catching up on what's posted on YouTube these days for dating advice.  And we got to thinking of the dirty tricks you rival, Susan The Dating Coach, was subjecting you to when you agreed to play HER game on HER turf.

In hindsight.....

We should have picked up, and told you, two things.
<1> First..... dating coaches:  the obtuseness they advise men to women, and the rejection pain they have women dish out to men, aren't a bug, they're a feature, as the saying goes.  It's bad enough all of us civilians are stuck in their crossfire in our day to day quotidian lives.  Definitely do NOT get into any sandbox where one of them is the DATER.  Uggh. 

Instead....

<2>....invite Susan, the PIA, into YOUR sandbox.  Debbie, you are a coach, too, right?  A catfight coach.  Just be direct with Susan.  She has, and gives, dating advice.  You have, and are giving to her, catfight advice.  If Susan wants the man you and she are dating, perhaps she's able ... and willing .... to fight for him.

(Perhaps you even already realized this on your own.)

Apologies for the inadequacy of our initial reply.   TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Debbie, here.  The trouble-maker who started this whole 'Dating Coach' thread.

A year ago today.

One, long, agonizing .... and yet oddly enlightening year.

I'm not longer with my gentleman friend.  The meddling by "Susan" (spoiler alert--that was never her real name; it's just her online persona) broke us up.

Well, ok, maybe my female jealousy played a role, too.

Which resulted in some heated texting exchanges between "Susan" and me.  Which caused her to reveal information about herself, which scared her away from her burgeoning business. 

Which is her own fault.  She had the chance to face me woman to woman.  And elected not to.  Probably wisely, although we'll never 100% know.

[Not to be a tease, but maybe we will find out some day.  TABSK will be the first to hear about it, I can guarantee you that.]

That's not the purpose of today's letter, tho.

The purpose is.....in my investigating into what "Susan" ..... and current dating coaching ..... is all about, I came to some tentative conclusions.

The main one is:  none of the Dating Coaches out there .... male OR female .... have an all-encompassing system which works in all circumstances.

Nevertheless.....

They have stumbles across important 'elements' of male-female dynamics.

<> 'Simp' is a harsh word.  But all guys need to know that showing neediness is a deal-breaker.  If you're lonely, you'll give off a loneliness 'stink', and you'll stay lonely. 

<> Shit-testing is even harsher.  But guess what:  it works.  Females shit-testing males separates the men from the boys.  And males shit-testing females creates the most effective 'lines'.  And it's the fastest, most direct way, most authentic way to communicate.  AI will never master shit-testing.

<> And, guys (I realize TABSK is females only):  it's true--never ever ever confess that a woman broke your heart.  Just, .... ew!  Don't do it.

Happy New Year, TABSK community.  Thank you for being there for me in 2024.  Debbie


Dear Debbie--Happy New Year to you as well!!  And, great growth!  Glad to see an old bitch* like you can still learn new tricks!  TABSK

*  That was shit-testing.  How'd we do?

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Greetings, TABSK, another life-long follower-first time writer here.  Diana, age 52.  Never thought I would need to write, and especially not at this stage of my life.  I thought I would respond under this thread, because while not a dating coach (p.s. I like "simps"; and have never liked that word taking on negative connotations--so I'd have my dating coach license revoked by now, if I ever had one), I AM a life-coach.  To primarily middle aged executive men.  It's a scramble, but I'm making a living at it.  I have a reliable roster of guys, mostly nice guys, who pay me for my time and advice.
One of my clients recently had a situation which caused me to intervene, probably more than I should have.  And in a way which would have, no doubt, landed me before the (hypothetical) ethics board of my profession, if we were less loosely organized than we are.  He had a female ex-coworker, with whom he had rekindled a remote online relationship over Snowbird Lifestyle advice during the pandemic.  Her name is Karla.

Karla is an adrenaline-junkie, a work out advice, in really good shape.  And has an impulsive, sassy mouth, which got her divorced in 2006.

She's also a bitch and treats my client like shit.  Any story he tells her, she shits all over with curt, rude replies.  It hurts his feelings, and saps his confidence.  He needs to stand up to her.

So, instead, last weekend, I stood up to her.  I flew out to Arizona, where she is wintering this year, and I showed up to her place on a Saturday, knocked on her door, told her who I was, and said she and I needed to talk woman to woman.  She's about my size, blonde, and 8 years older than me.  More attractive than I was expecting--she's definitely had work done.

TABSK-my hands were shaking.  I couldn't believe I was actually confronting Karla.  I've read about so many woman-on-woman confrontations in your letters over the years, and here I was actually doing it.  And as for Karla--well, yep, I got her adrenaline going.  I could tell she was "into it"--my cussing her out for bullying my client.

She and I both knew what was next.  We continued our verbal bickering and threats until the air was sufficiently thick with bitchy tension--then our claws went into each others' hair and we were on her living room floor.  Legs entwined, full on catball, pulling hair like high school homecoming dance gone wrong.  (That's another story I'll share at a different time.)

We rolled and rolled enough to prove we were equals--that neither was going to achieve a two-minute K.O. with each other.....and then just started kissing.  Tongue.  Teeth.  Lip biting.

It morphed into full on sex.  I've done bi-curious foreplay over drinks with trusted friends.  But never this.  Never full on lesbian tribbing.  (I'm such a rookie, I'm not even 100% sure that's the right word for what we did.  But whatever it was--I multiple-orgasm'd like never in my life.)

TABSK--what do I tell my client when I see him Thursday?

Dear Diana--Whew!  Hot!  We wouldn't tell him anything happened.  But if he brings up Karla, just nod and listen.  The next move is really hers.  Will she tell HIM you flew out and confronted her?  (Good thing the three of you aren't driving distance.  Sounds like a combustible situation.)  TABSK