The Silver Surfer was a legend in Holefax, high in the mountains of North Carolina. She rode the back roads, highways and city streets. Everyone saught to get a glimpse of this beautiful biker.
"Hey, look! There goes the Silver Surfer." The locals would yell when they saw her cruising past.
The "Surfer" rode a specially designed sleek Harley street bike with chrome-silver siding and chrome silver racing spokes. She always wore a tight full-body silver suit that shimmered like a space suit as she rode. And she wore a shimmering silver helmet to match. Her long brown hair, always in a ponytail, flew back from her helmet as she rode the mountain roads and city streets. A thin black belt ran across her waist. It devided her perfectly shaped hourglass silver body into two separate halves. And she wore high black boots than ran to her knees. Her silver-suit ran into her boots at the knees . Ad she wore black gloves to match her boots.
"VROOOM!" The Silver Surfer would speed up to Mama's Pub, near Holefax, at precisely 6 o' clock PM. every day. She never failed. She would never take her silver helmet off, but just push it back on her head as she walked through the tables to the bar. This revealed her high, strong and perfect forhead. But she always kept her dark glasses on. Except for ordering her beer, she never spoke at all. She never gestured or smiled at all. She just walked in, ordered her beer, and walked out. Everyday, except sundays, the same thing.
She would always drink a gulp from her longneck beer bottle as she walked out. Then, she'd kill her beer on the deck. She would never look around or acknowledge the people on the deck, but everyone of them, both the men and women, would watch her intently, and wonder how a woman could be so beautiful and strong and mysterious.
Then she would return to her silver bike, lift her long, strong and perfect silver-tighted right leg over the seat, as she pushed her helmet down over her head again, and start the bike. "VROOOM!" She would push her bike back and slowly ride through the parking lot to the highway in front of the deck. But, the admiring folks who sat on the deck noticed that she never had to stop and wait for traffic before getting on the highway. She would just merge left and "VROOOOM!" This pefect iconic woman was speeding down the highway, her shiney brown ponytail flying from her helmet, a legend: the Silver Surfer.
It's saturday: Mama's bar is packed with peple trying to get an early start on getting drunk.
Then, "VROOOM!" They hear the Silver Surfer pull up outside. Even the drunks would respect the dignified and beautiful Silver Surfer, wouldn't they? They always had.
The beautiful, statuesque Surfer walks through the door and glides through the tables, with long strong steps, to the bar. She lifts her helmet, revealing her beautiful face, but not her eyes. Her dark shades are still on. she doesn't acknowledge anyone around her.
"Beer!" She says with a smooth strong voice.
As the bartender hands the Surfer a beer, a woman sitting on a neerby stool, looks over. "Who in the f-ck is that b-tch?" She calls out.
"OOOOH!" the rest of the patrons look at the drunk woman like she's crazy or retarded. "OH NO!" Then they look to the Surfer to see her responce .
The Surfur doesn't respond. She takes her beer and walks towards the door. She takes a gulp as she walks.
"Hey, you, silver butt, did you hear me? Who the f-ck do you think you are? You some kind of fat-aassed astonaut, or something?" The drunk woman stands from her bar stool and follows the Surfer. The Mamas' regulars cannot believe what is happening as they watch on in shock. No one messes with the Surfer.
The Surfer ignores the drunk and opens the door on her way out of the bar. She pulls her helmet dow.
The drunk, a tall, chunky woman with frizzy blonde hair and wearing short tight cutoff bluejean shorts, revieling fat white legs, rushes to the Surfer and, rushing out to the deck, grabs the iconic woman's shoulder..
"I asked you a question. You too good to answer?" Drunk woman yanks Surfer around.
"You are drunk." The Surfer responds in a smooth, calm, but strong voice. The people on the deck cannot believe that she talked.
"No sh-t, silver lady." The drunk reaches out with her right hand and pushes the Surfer's helmet.
The iconic woman steps back and quickly removes her helmet. She leaves her dark sun classes on. "Lady, you are drunk.I don't want to fight you."
The Silver Surfer nobly turns and begins to walk down the deck steps. The people watching on the deck are impressed. The drunk woman is not.
"I might be drunk, but I''m still gonna kick your fat silver butt." The drunk lady cries out. She grabs the Surfer's ponytail with her left hand just as the surfer steps down onto the fist step. She yanks the Surfer back onto the deck.
"What?" The surfer's head snaps back as her hair is snatched . Surfer is pulled back onto the deck. "OWW!" She cries out.
The Surfer, with her helmet in her right hand, spins around to the right. She swings the silver helmet around. "SWOOOSH!" She drops her beer bottle from her left hand.
Drunk lady manges to get her right hand up and deflects the helmet, but the force of the contact knocks her down. The surfer drops the helmet and her eyeglasses fall off. The stunned people siting at the tables get a chance to see her beautiful green eyes, even if they are now burning with rage.
"I warned you to leave me alone." The Surfer stands over the sitting drunk lady.
"You don't impress me, b-tch!" the drunk lady yells out as she looks up. She throws her right foot up hard. The sharp tip of her boot hits the surfer right between her legs.
"OOOOH! OOH! Surfer moans, grabs her groin and falls to her knees next to the drunk lady.
The drunk lady jumps up. She eyes the Surfer, who is on her knees, and groaning. The Surfer's silver-tighted buttocks are pushed back and look like silver jelly-buns.
"You've got a fat butt, b-tch!" The drunk kicks out with her right foot. This time the pointed tip of her boot strikes right in the indention in the middle of the Surfer's butt cheeks. Drunk's sharp boot penetrates deep into the hole.
"OOOOOH!" The boot to her rear propels the Surfer forward. She reaches back to her butt with both of her gloved hands as she plops on her face and her stomach. :OOOWEEE!" She cries out. She slaps the wooden deck like a little girl.
Drunk lady does not stop her assault. She sees that, as the surfer lays flat on her belly, that the Surfer's butt is still an easy target. drunk attacks with ferocity. She jumps over the face-down woman, turns back towards the Surfer's feet and drops her knee down into the indention hole in the middle of Surfer's butt cheeks. She puts all of her weight behind the blow.
"YEEEOWWW!" The Surfer yelps out as the drunk lady's knee pulverizes the surfer's butt and bunghole .
"Not so high and mighty now, are you, Silver dumass?" The drunk lady stands up again and quickly drops her knee into the same crevice again.
"YEEEEEOWEEE!" The Surfer cries out and drums the floor with her fists. But this time, when drunk lady raises her knee up, the surfer quickly spins around to her so that she is on her back. Looking up, she pathetically tries to grab, and push the drunk's legs away.
"Okay!" drunk lady says, looking down and eyeing a new target. She drops her knee down onto Silver's siver-mounded gut.
Silver's unprepaired belly is like hot butter as the drunk lady's knee drives into it. "PLOOOP!" The pressure explodes silver's guts, and she emits a loud fart. "PLUUUUUF!" Her innards damaged, the Surfer pulls her legs up and balls up. She turns to her side.
"My guts hurt! My guts hurt!" The once regal and proud Silver Surfer cries out as she curls up and rolls around on the deck floor. "Please stop!"
"I'm not finished with you yet, lard gut!" Drunk lady smiles. She reaches down for the black belt that runs around Silver's tights at the waist.
"Good, drunk lady thinks to herself. The belt is attached to the suit ."
"Come with me, oh great lard butt." drunk lady lifts the Surfer up by the back of her belt. Drunk lady grabs silver's ponytail with her left hand.
"What are you doing? NOOO!" Surfer cties out as she is led back inside the door of Mama's like a sack.
"A fat-assed bimbo coming through!" Drunk lady calls out, as she drags surfer through the tables towards the bar in a walking wedgie. Surfer's belt is pulled high, and a crease lone runs up her crack and her butt cheaks bob and jiggle from the pukk of the suit .
The patrons look on in disbelief. this cannot be the perfect and iconic beauty they are used to?
"PLUMP!" Drunk lady smashes Silver's gut against the bar andd pushes silver's upper body over the bar. Silver Sulfer iis now laying over the bar with her butt sticking back and her silvery long legs down.
"NOOOO! Please!" silver whimpers, her head over rhe bar.
"You say something, lard belly" drunk woman teases, she rams her knee into siver's pushed back butt.
"SMASH!" Drunk's right knee impacts Silver's right buttock and smashes into it. The soft globe swishes as a wave rolls out from the impact.
"OWEEE!" The Surfer croaks.
drunk lady throws up her knee again into Silver's left buttock. "SPLAT!" Again, it squishes and rolls from the impact.
"OWEEE!" The Surfer croaks again.
"You mind if I borrow this, honey?" Drunk lady asks a pretty young college student who sat with her mouth opened in disbelief, at what was happening to her idol. Drunk lady takes the girl's empty longneck beer bottle and rams it, neck first, into Silver's dunghole dimple in between her pushed back buttoocks..
"SLOOOP!" Silver's legs briefly pop out and then she lays still. The fatside of the beer bottle sticks out obscenely from her rear.
"I don't reckon we'll see you around here anymore, Silver Butt" Drunk lady laughs and walks away.
And that;s the legendd of the Silver Surfur..
"
