Britney Spears-Lindsay Lohan "Family Feud" by Michael
Has anyone heard the rumors of a Lohan-Spears Family Feud catfight involving Britney and Lindsey? Supposedly, it was fueled by their mothers who were trying to get a certain famous agent to represent their daughters. According to the story, both Lynn Spears and Dina Lohan were trying to get their daughter a guest appearance on the Disney hit “Hannah Montana” but that the executive producers nixed the idea. Both were convinced a certain famous Hollywood agent could make the deal which could boost their daughters’ declining career. They knew their younger daughters may also benefit from the cross promotion of their new TV series and albums.
I’ve read online that there was a confrontation between Britney and Lindsey at a Playboy Mansion Halloween party, but that Hef’s 'Girls Next Door' kept them from a full fight. The mothers weren’t present, or the sisters but it was suspected that Dina and Lynn had stoked the fires of the feud and confrontation. Lindsey’s gal pal Sam Ronson was a witness, but wasn’t directly involved. Rose McGowan was there with Robert Rodriguez, and Scarlett Johansson was there with her husband. Jessica Alba arrived in a blue bikini, showing off her newly toned booty - but she just watched from the crowd; clearly cheering on Britney.
Britney was dressed as the schooldirl vixen from her first video, although her breasts were a size or two larger. Lindsey was in a slutty beach bimbo bikini bottom with a wife beater top, with Sam dressed as a butch bodyguard. Of course, someone with a cell phone fed the confrontation to one - or both - mothers!
* * * * * *
Jessica Biel rubbed her bare soles across the face of the kneeling Cameron Diaz who was in the submissive “bottoms up” pose Biel’s gal-pal Scarlett Johansson had put her in shortly after arriving at the Playboy Mansion Halloween party. “See, my Mom used to be a model, and she taught me how to dominate rivals so completely they’ll never even THINK of a rematch,” Johansson boasted to Biel, who was sitting with Diaz’ former lover Justin Timberlake. Diaz’ face was beet red after the embarassment of having to lick and kiss the feet of Timberlake’s new gal and also from paying homage to Johansson’s "lap of luxury" and her “treasure chest.”
“She certainly does know her place, doesn’t the baby?” Biel taunted, tweaking Diaz' nose with her toes.
A murmer passed quickly across the room as Lindsey Lohan entered on the arm of her partner, DJ Samantha “Sam” Ronson. Lohan stared directly at Johansson and her lips set in a frown, lower lip slightly jutting out. Ronson held her by the arm to make sure her “friend” didn’t rush over to confront Johansson, who had hooked up with Lohan’s first serious boyfriend Jared Leto.
Leto had later dumped Diaz for another romp with the buxom blonde, and Lohan had consoled Diaz in her heartbreak, offering to set her up with one of Ronson’s lesbian mentors. Diaz was reluctant at first, but soon became the devoted “friend” of a lesbian talk show host.
Lindsey was dressed in her signature beach bimbo bikini, a Girls Gone Wild Cancun t-shirt and Raybans. She was at the party to schmooze Mr. *******, a powerful agent who she believed could land her a guest spot on Disney Channel’s megahit “Hannah Montana”, potentially reviving her singing and acting career which had suffered since her manic partying and brief incarceration.
Many at the party presumed that the jailhouse tats Lohan sported were part of the costume, but they were actually the property markings of a certain Latina gangster Chica who had won her from the blonde porn star who tried to protect Lohan from the jails rougher elements, to no avail.
The crying heart tat on Lohan’s right cheek and the lipstick kiss on her left made Lohan blush deep crimson each time she put on her panties, thong or boy shorts. She fought back tears at the reminder of her long days and nights serving her Latina Mistress.
Lohan gave Johannson and Biel a dirty look and headed over to Mr. *******, who was sitting next to the host, Mr. Hefner. Hefner had offered Lohan $1 million for a nude pictorial, which she declined. She was still self conscious of her tattoos and the butch haircut she had been forced to endure in jail. Having her head shaved by her cellmate was bad enough, and now that her hair was almost grown back she was starting to feel her sassy self.
But as she approached Mr. *******’s table, she felt a tap on her shoulder and felt chills when she heard a familiar voice say “Not so fast, girly girl.”
Lohan spun and was bitch-slapped twice rapidly by Britney Spears, who was dressed to thrill in her trademark Catholic Schoolgirl Vixen outfit from her first video,”Hit Me Baby (One More Time)”
“Well if it isn’t old Firecrotch”, Spears teased. Lohan teared up at the use of her jailhouse "bitch name" - one a Latina gangstress had given her. Spears smiled, happy that the money spent on her jailhouse snitch had paid off handsomely. Lohan was sniveling like a girl bullied after Sunday School.
* * * * * *
Angela D’Angelo was interviewed by AVN recently and spoke about how she coached her daughter Ice La Fox on how to break a little Caucasian fire crotch like Lindsey. Angela had owned a petite redheaded wife who was thrown in her jail cell. She knew how scared and frightened they were, the little redheads. She kept seeing her “wife” after they both got out. And she was much younger, but tougher.
Angela’s voice froze Lindsey, it was so much like her daughters. The crotch of her bikini was suddenly drenched and she found herself crying silent tears. Scarlett smiled as Katie Perry knelt at her side, gazing up rapturously. “She kissed a girl and liked it, too, Miss Scarlett.” Katie cooed.
Sam stepped away as Angela stepped forward and grabbed Lohan by her hair, yanking her backwards. Lohan stumbled and fell out of her sandals. Angela slapped the pricey Raybans off Lohan’s face.
“That’s one dumb bitch,” Katie said pinching and pulling Diaz’ nipples casually, almost without thinking of what she was doing. “What’s the matter, Princess; these mosquito bites itch? Hmmmmmmmmm?”
A boombox brought by Britney began the opening to “Hit Me Baby” and Spears began dancing toward the struggling Lohan.
At home Lynn Spears and Jamie Lynn cheered Britney’s entrance while across town at the Lohan household, Dina and Ali taped a live PPV and hugged each other; quietly sobbing much as Linds was. “Looks like mascara runs in your family, baby.”
* * * * * *
Scarlett leaned over and whispered to Biel, “Here’s the thing about a fire crotch like Lindsey; you have to show her you’re a woman and she’s just a freckle-face, little, weakling. See, deep inside she’s still a flat-chested, skinny, runt who’s embarrassed to get changed in the locker room in front of the other girls. Well, young women, let’s see..who has the more womanly figure?” She crossed her arms under her voluptuous cleavage, smiling. “In her heart, Lindsey just never did outgrew the Itty Bitty Titty Committee; she keeps losing boyfriends to me and...” she glanced down proudly. "...my charms; my feminine wiles.”
Angela dragged Lindsey across the room by her hair and served her up to the waiting Spears. Two slaps brought a bright red glow to Lohan’s cheeks. Spears patted Lohan’s cheek, then moved down her chest, tracing a finger over her noticeably pierced nipples. Angela leaned over Lohan’s shoulder as she held her in a Full Nelson, smiled at Spears and licked the inside of Lohan’s left ear, then bit her earlobe causing her to moan.
“What’s this? A present from your boyfriend Sammy” Spears toyed with Lohan’s belly piercing, jerking it hard enough to send a jolt of pain through Lohan’s midsection.
Lohan’s Latina mistress bent down, picked up the Rayban sunglasses that had been slapped from Lohan’s face and put them on, smiling. “Muchos gracias, chica.”
“Awwww, poor baby lost her sunglasses? I know what we can do! Give her some new ones. Would you like a raccoon mask, princess?” She used a handful of Lohan’s hair to male her nod weakly. Lohan’s tears made an almost audible sound as they dripped from her cheek onto Spears stripper heels.
In a blur, Lohan staggered backward, her hands flying to her eyes. Spears bobbed and weaved, snapping two quick jabs to Lohan’s eyes. She darted back in, slapped Lohan’s guard away and landed two more lethal jabs that had the starlet seeing stars as she turned away - only to be recaptured by the Latina ex-con.
Angela and Britney marched Lohan over to Mr. *******’s table and demanded, "Tell him about your great idea for 'Hannah Montana' during sweeps week, Lindsey!”
“Go to hell, you bloody cxnt!” Lohan spat. The room fell silent.
Scarlett smiled and stood up slowly. “Jessica, would you please put Carmen’s nose and tongue to good use for a minute...I've got to take out the trash!”
“Here kitty, kitty,” Biel taunted the submissive Diaz, pointing to her lap. “You need to show me what a cunning linguist you are. Scarlett tells me you’re fluent in French - and Greek!”
Scarlett coolly straightened her gown, adjusted her “girls” and moved to Mr. *******’s table. “What a mouth. You kiss your Daddy with that mouth?” She grabbed Lohan’s tongue with her thumb and index finger. “Oh, wait, I think I see what the problem is...”
An ungodly shriek filled the room as Lohan's tongue stud was pulled up and down rapidly. “Ohgodogodogodogod...leeeh eeee go ewww itch.”
“I seem to remember you writing on a bathroom wall that I was a...what was it...a bloody cxnt? Well, my dear, I think you meant to end that sentence with...”
“UNNNNHHH…” Scarlett’s knee shot up; connecting solidly with Lohan’s crotch.
“...a period! Did THAT feel like a period to you? I did to me. Well… dearie?”
Lohan slowly slid to the floor; hands cupping her aching pubic mound. Johansson and Britney high-fived.
Spears explained that she and Lohan were going to guest star on “Hannah Montana” as rival singers being produced by Billy Ray’s character. Spears would get twice her usual appearance fee - since Lohan was agreeing to donate all of her salary and residuals to “Britney’s House” - a foundation to assist singers and actresses to dominate their rivals sexually, publicly and emotionally!
* * * * * *
In a related development: Reports out of Hollywood state that Catherine Zeta Jones and Catherine Bell (among others) have been quite generous with contributions to what their publicists are referring to in releases as, “a worthwhile endeavor”, “a cause long overdue for support.”
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt issued a joint press release saying that Ms. Jolie, “…supports the efforts of women in the third world to achieve the same level of dominance over their rivals as their counterparts in developed countries enjoy. I particularly want to point out that today, worldwide, blondes are a distinct minority yet they still hold most of the ‘power positions’ in the entertainment industry. I hope my small contribution will help to redress that imbalance.”
Charlize Theron and Sunny McKay have been uncharacteristically silent; neither returning our calls while their publicists have issued a terse, “No comment” and refused our requests for interviews.
