Once upon a time, there was a girl, a sexy temptress named Kayla-locks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a building; a 6-story walk-up apartment. On the mailbox, it said that the unit on the sixth floor was occupied by a family named the Three Bears. She climbed the stairs, knocked, and when no one answered, she walked right in.
At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. Kayla-locks was hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.
"This porridge is too fuckin’ hot!" she exclaimed.
So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.
"This porridge is piss-poor cold," she said
So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.
"Ahhh, this porridge is just right," she said happily and she ate it all up.
After she'd eaten the Three Bears' breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Kayla-locks sat in the first chair to rest her feet.
"This chair is too freakin’ big!" she exclaimed.
So she sat in the second chair.
"This chair is too shittin’ big, too!" she whined.
So she tried the last and smallest chair.
"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled her sexy ass down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!
Kayla-locks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Kayla-locks fell asleep.
As she was sleeping, the Three Bears came home.
"Someone's been eating my fuckin’ porridge," growled the Papa bear.
"Someone's been eating my fuckin’ porridge," said the Mama bear.
.
"Someone's been eating my fuckin’ porridge and they ate it all up!" cried the Baby bear.
"Someone's been sitting in my friggin’ chair," growled the Papa bear.
"Someone's been sitting in my friggin’ chair," said the Mama bear.
"Someone's been sitting in my friggin’ chair and they've broken the shitty thing all to pieces," cried the Baby bear.
They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled. "Someone's been sleeping in my fuckin’ bed."
"Someone's been sleeping in my fuckin’ bed, too" said the Mama bear.
"Someone's been sleeping in my fuckin’ bed and the bitch is still there!" exclaimed Baby bear.
Just then, Kayla-locks woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, "Help!" And she jumped up and tried to run from the room, only to find her path blocked by Mama Bear.
While Papa Bear and Baby Bear ran downstairs to let the females hash it out, Mama Bear glared at the sexy intruder.
“Who are you to steal the food from hard-working bears, you sleazy bitch?” asked Mama Bear.
“Look, Mrs. Bear, I was hungry, okay?” answered Kayla-locks, contritely. “I know that’s not an excuse to steal, but hunger is a powerful incentive, you know what I’m saying? Can you dig it?”
“And porridge is an expensive commodity.” growled Mama Bear. “How would you like it if a bear stole your porridge, you numb cxnt?”
“How would you like it if I pounded the porridge up your furry ass?” retorted Kayla-locks, growing angry at the bear’s lack of empathy with her plight.
To Kayla-locks’ surprise, Mama Bear laughed…..a laugh of dismissive disdain. “Are you threatening me, you puny human?” laughed Mama Bear. “Do you dare incur the wrath of a powerful bear? Do you know what I could do to your skinny ass?”
Kayla-locks thought about it. In truth, she was afraid to fight a bear; yet, she knew the risk of losing face in a direct confrontation. If Kayla-locks fought and lost, at least she would keep her self-respect. If she refused to fight, Mama Bear might post the entire episode in
Facebook for Bears and cause Kayla-locks to become the laughingstock of the land. Kayla-locks made up her mind; she would face her destiny head-on.
“Bring it, you ursine bitch.” Kayla-locks said softly.
“Whore!”
“Bitch!”
“Slut!”
“cxnt!”
The two females slowly circled each other, probing for weakness and looking for an opening. Kayla-locks realized that Mama Bear outweighed her by 1200 pounds, yet the animal looked soft and too well-fed, obviously getting ready to hibernate for the Winter. She further reasoned that the bear would move as slow as molasses; Kayla-locks needed only to keep out of the bear’s grasp and wear down the furry bitch.
As they circled, the bear reached out with slow, tentative swipes of her massive paws. They hit only empty air as Kayla-locks was much too quick to be caught by these ponderous attempts. Feeling she was too fast for the bear to catch, Kayla-locks threw two lightning-fast jabs. Her fists splatted against Mama Bear’s sensitive snout, causing the giant animal to sniff and swipe her paw against the wounded olfactory body part, checking for blood
.
Finding none, she glared down at Kayla-locks, furious at the temerity of the human woman.
“You steal our food and dare to take the first shot? Have you no honor, human?”
“Bite my human ass, bear.” snarled Kayla-locks.
“With pleasure, bitch.” retorted Mama Bear.
As the two females resumed circling, a low rumble issued forth from the chest of Mama Bear as she followed the instincts of her species. Deciding on a direct frontal assault, Mama Bear crouched and leaped forward, expecting Kayla-locks to scurry backward. To her utter surprise, though, the human girl held her ground and swung her Nike-clad foot forward, timing it to connect with the bear’s face. The kick landed perfectly, again smashing solidly into Mama Bear’s tender snout.
The bear yelped in pain, skittering around the bedroom in aimless circles as Kayla-locks watched….. jubilant, yet still cautious. Still, Kayla-locks was unprepared as Mama Bear, now enraged, burst forward toward her human enemy, lifting Kayla-locks with her mighty power and hurling her across the room, where she landed on the rug at the far corner, narrowly missing the dressing table.
Unhurt, Kayla-locks rose quickly, side-stepping the charging Mama Bear as she moved in to finish her opponent. As the bear plodded by her, off-balance, Kayla-locks clasped her hands together and delivered a double-fist smash to the bear’s back. Mama Bear merely turned and cast an amused look at Kayla-locks.
“Do you really think you can hurt me with your ineffectual human punches, you diseased cxnt?”
Without answering, Kayla-locks launched a vicious kick at the bear’s unprotected crotch. The shot landed hard and clean but Mama Bear merely grunted, still gazing at the girl with murder on her mind.
"That wouldn't work even on a
male bear, you asshole." snickered Mama Bear.
Kayla-locks tried to grab Mama Bear by the boobs…….but she had none! Perplexed at the failure of the maneuver she had used to defeat so many other female denizens of the forest over the years, Kayla-locks wondered what to do next. She could keep going after Mama Bear’s nose, since that had proven effective already, but Kayla-locks sensed that the tactic would not cause enough damage to enable her to survive this fight. Eventually, the bear’s superior power and crushing arms would doom her to defeat.
Oh, what to do?
*****************************
Sensing her enemy’s distress, Mama Bear’s grin widened, exposing her sharp, drooling teeth as she stalked slowly toward Kayla-locks. The girl backed away, keeping her eyes on the bear while searching for a means of escape.
Finally, she saw the bedroom window of the sixth-floor apartment. It was open! Hoping that Mama Bear could be fooled by such an obvious tactic, Kayla-locks started maneuvering around the room again, aiming to put the window at her back. When she was in position, she tried every means at her disposal to get Mama Bear to charge recklessly forward.
“So, come on already, bear! Come and get me! Aren’t you going to huff…..and puff…. and blow my house down?”
“You’ve got the wrong nursery rhyme, you stupid bitch.” replied Mama Bear, scornfully. “That’s ‘The Three Little Pigs.’ The story we're in is based on ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears,’ asswipe.”
Undeterred, Kayla-locks tried again.
“Then, aren’t you going to get in bed and pose as my grandmother so you can eat me?”
“Gosh, are you stupid.” sighed Mama Bear. “That’s ‘Little Red Riding Hood.’”
Kayla-locks realized her mistake; she would never get the bear to charge by quoting fairy tales. She reasoned that a more personal approach might get the result she was seeking. So, she began hurling insults from her ‘hood.
“Oh yeah, Mama Bear?” shrilled Kayla-locks. “Well, look at you! You’re so fat that when you haul ass, you have to make two trips! And your husband is Papa Bear, right? Well, he’s so dumb he tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order! And how about your son, Baby Bear? He’s so ugly that he stuck his head out the car window and got arrested for mooning! And how about………”
But Kayla-locks got no further. Mama Bear could not believe what she was hearing……no one had ever disrespected her and her family this way and she had no notion how to deal with it. Mama Bear rose on her hind legs, eyes wide and claws flashing…..and with a fearsome roar she charged recklessly forward. Kayla-locks held her ground until the last possible moment, then stepped nimbly aside and let the bear’s forward momentum carry her out the window. She roared in rage and fear as she took the six-story drop, landing with a loud thud on the sidewalk. Kayla-locks looked out the window and saw Mama Bear lying unconscious……alive, but no longer a threat.
“Stupid bitch.” whispered Kayla-locks, shaking her head.
************************
In the kitchen, Papa Bear and Baby Bear heard no more sounds from the bedroom, indicating that the fearsome battle that had been waged was now over. As two weakling males in the life of the dominant Mama Bear, they knew not to break in when she was engaged in combat, so they waited. When the bedroom door opened, they assumed that Mama Bear would be the female emerging. Instead, they saw the human girl walking toward them, briskly and confidently.
Papa Bear and Baby Bear’s mouths were hanging open in awe and surprise. Kayla-locks looked at them in an imperious manner and they sank to the floor on their paws and knees, gazing up at their new mistress with reverence.
“Shall I fix more porridge for you, Mistress Kayla-locks?” stammered Papa Bear.
“Fuck the porridge.” said Kayla-locks with a sneer. “Fix me a steak dinner, you sniveling worm.”
Then, looking at Baby Bear, she announced:
“And you, runt. You’re going to learn a skill if I’m to keep you around. Grab a scissors and nail file. It’s time you were taught how to do a manicure and pedicure on a beautiful human woman.”
As the two male bears bowed their heads in acquiescence, Kayla-locks grinned with satisfaction.
Earlier, she was merely a girl who had entered the bear lair because she was hungry and tired.
Now, she was supreme ruler of all she surveyed.
“Fuckin’ A.” chirped Kayla-locks, an innocent smile on her face and a bright twinkle in her eye.
