Katy Perry v. Mila Kunis
Katy Perry’s decision to enter the ring wasn’t much of a surprise to promoters. The pop star has worked hard over the past few years to cultivate an image of outrageousness and sex appeal that has fallen somewhere between cartoonishly over-the-top and downright desperate. With her recent marriage to movie star/recovering heroin addict Russell Brand, Perry was once again at the forefront of the pop culture landscape. Basking in that spotlight, the “I Kissed a Girl” singer has parlayed her notoriety into a chance to join the ranks of celebrity combatants.
Her first opponent is Mila Kunis, a tough jobber who has the attitude to be a dominant force, but lacks the physical size and strength to back it up. After her last outing in the Survival of the Weakest Tournament, Mila hoped that being able to end Perry’s career before it stats will be the stepping stone she needs to move up to legitimate competitor.
The arena has been abuzz all night for what is essentially an undercard match. Most fans are excited to see how Katy handles herself in the ring, while some are just excited at the proposition of watching Mila Kunis get her ass kicked again.
Mila enters first to minimal fanfare. The 5’3 brunette with the wide eyes and sneering smile is dressed in a green two-piece bikini, with the emerald color contrasting nicely with her naturally olive skin. She’s in tremendous shape, having recently completed production on Darren Aronofsky’s “Black Swan”, which required her to be in ballet-ready condition. She gave a few cursory waves to the fans as she climbed between the ropes, hoping to win over the Perry-heavy audience.
The lights then went dark, with a single spotlight focused on the entrance ramp. Dry ice filled the stage as a familiar Perry tune played over the PA system. Then, after what felt like an eternity, a pyrotechnics explosion jolted the rapidly agitated crowd. Katy came out in a white toga, attempting to draw comparisons to the ancient Roman Gladiators but instead looking like a drunk girl at a fraternity party. She was holding a giant fake shield and sword, menacingly shaking it at the audience while flashing a bright smile. It was clear that she thought that this was all a joke and that she would be loved for hamming it up.
Her attempt had clearly failed, as the fans began to heavily boo the pop starlet. Ever the show-woman, she continued her shtick up the ramp, deciding that she wasn’t going to abandon her routine for anyone. She climbed up the steps to the ring, and once on the apron tossed her plastic weaponry into the audience. Sure, they might boo her, but damned if they didn’t fight over taking home a souvenir.
Katie stepped through the middle rope, pausing to shake her heavily-sheeted backside at the fans. Mila was fed up with the antics and attempted to attack Katy, but the referee wisely held her back. “You’ll get your shot,” he scolded as he muscled her into the corner.
Perry stood in the center of the ring and with an air of formality, removed her ivory headpiece. She then ripped off her toga to reveal a leopard thong bikini, which quickly won over the fickle crowd. Her million-dollar smile returned as she blew kisses at the audience, content with the fact that she could play them for fools.
The referee informed both women of the rules and told them to stay in their respective corners until the bell rang. Mila pulled on the top rope to stretch her back as Katy took her time adjusting her top more times than necessary.
With the sound of the bell, the match was underway. Mila and Katy both approached the center of the ring, and it was at that moment that everyone realized just how much of an advantage Katy had. Perry stood between 5-8 and 5-9, while Mila was a decidedly smaller 5-3. Undaunted, the plucky brunette fired off an elbow into Perry’s face, letting her know right off the bat that this was no joke.
Katy staggered backwards from the blow, unprepared for the sudden impact. Mila followed up with two more shots, which, despite being blocked, still did some damage. Perry backpedaled into the corner, remembering from her training that an opponent can’t attack her when she’s in the ropes. The ref came in and pulled Kunis off of Perry, and Mila happily stepped back.
Mila Kunis was all smiles as she held her hands up in the air in victory, thrilled that she had managed to make her larger opponent back down. Feeling confident, Mila signaled for Perry to come meet her in the center of the ring. Katy approached cautiously towards the smaller girl, unsure of what might happen next.
“Collar-and-elbow tie-up,” Mila said. Katy obliged and the two girls tied up in the middle of the mat. Kunis wanted to see how strong Perry was, and was surprised at how easily she was able to force Katy into the corner. Once she had Perry pressed into the turnbuckle, Mila raised her knee into the girl’s unprotected stomach. Katy let out a loud “oomph” as the wind was forced out of her lungs. Kunis delivered two more knee lifts before allowing Perry to collapse to the floor.
“This is going to be easier than I thought,” Mila said as she delivered a kick to the downed woman’s side. Not wanting to take any chances, Mila rolled Katy onto her back and quickly pinned her shoulders down with her knees. “I thought you were going to put up a fight,” Mila taunted as she smacked the trapped girl in the face.
“That’s good, hit me again,” Katy said.
“What?” Mila responded, confused.
“Smack me again. Come on, do it.” Dumbfounded, Kunis fired off another unprotected shot to Perry’s cheek. “That was perfect. Really play it up like you’re in control.”
Mila was unaware of what was going on, but she was more than happy to continue to reign down blows onto Katy. She grabbed hold of Perry’s thick black hair and began slamming her head into the canvas. Katy let out loud shrieks as her skull was bounced against the mat. “That’s perfect!” she shouted. “Alright, is it time for my comeback yet?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Mila asked.
“Isn’t that how it works?” the trapped girl asked. “You hit me for a while and then I hit you and then we finish the show. Right?” The look of complete naivety in her eyes made Mila believe that no one had bothered to tell Katy that this wasn’t a show.
“Uh…yeah…that’s what happens,” Mila replied, figuring it would be easier to beat an opponent that wasn’t fighting back.
“Okay good, just go easy on me. Those slaps kinda hurt.”
Kunis couldn’t believe her good luck. She climbed off of Katy and pulled her to her feet. “Okay, I’m going to whip you into the corner,” Mila said.
“Sounds good,” Katy replied as Kunis flung her towards the turnbuckle. The force of the pull bounced Katy off of the thinly-padded corner, leaving her with just enough energy to hold herself upright.
“Now stay there,” Mila yelled as she charged Perry. “This is too easy,” she thought as she ran full-speed towards Katy. Just before collision, Katy moved out of the way. Kunis slammed chest-first into the buckle before collapsing into a heap on the mat. Mila clutched her aching breasts as she coughed and wheezed, trying to get air back into her lungs.
Perry, meanwhile, was parading around the ring. She was more than content to wave at the fans at let them take pictures as her opponent lie prone on the mat. Finally, after making a complete circle around the canvas, Perry approached Mila. “You didn’t think I was that dumb, did you? Then again, I didn’t think you were that dumb either, but I guess I was wrong.”
Katy pulled Mila to her feet before scooping her up onto her shoulder, setting her up for a powerslam. Perry paraded Kunis around the ring, letting everyone see how prone her smaller foe was. Then, with a running start, she slammed Mila’s body into the canvas. The petite Kunis bounced off of the mat on impact, with any motion coming from her body simply a byproduct of the collision with the canvas.
Proud of her ruse, Perry grabbed a handful of Mila’s tresses and pulled her again to her feet. Katy whipped Mila into the ropes and then connected with a thunderous clothesline. It was clear that the taller singer had been taking lessons before entering the ring. She once again grabbed the limp frame of Mila Kunis and flung her into the corner. Katy then charged with a full head-of-steam, hitting a devastating splash. Mila’s head slammed hard against the top turnbuckle, and it was clear that there was no fight left in her.
Katy dragged Mila’s body to the center of the ring by her ankles, demonstrating how in control she was. A devilish grin crossed her bright red lips as she cracked her knuckles. It was clear that Katy Perry had shown that she was a powerhouse in the ring, but now it was time for her to show that she was someone to be feared.
Perry put her foot on Mila’s barely-conscious face, showing that the match was clearly over. Katy then sat on Kunis’s taught stomach, ensuring that her knees pinned down Mila’s wrists. “So because you were so stupid, you now have to pay a penalty. I think I’m going to just take your dignity and call it a day.”
Mila knew the drill. She’d been worked over by several larger opponents, so she had expectations of what lie ahead.
Katy flicked away strands of hair covering Mila’s eyes, ensuring that she would have an unobstructed view of her impending destruction. Perry then put her palms on top of Kunis’s chest, gently making concentric circles with her hands on Mila’s top. She then clamped down, squeezing Kunis’s modest chest with a fierce grip. This brought about a wail from the trapped brunette, who involuntarily responded to the unwanted attention her breasts were getting.
“They’re not much, but they feel good to me,” Katy teased. She pulled down the cups on Mila’s top, exposing the golden flesh to the crowd. The audience hooted and hollered at the sight of Kunis’s bare breasts. “Oh relax,” Katy yelled, “it’s not like you haven’t seen them before.” Using her thumb and forefinger, Perry began twisting Mila’s nipples much the way someone would tune a radio. Then, once the nips had grown stiff from the stimulation, Katy began to pull them upward, seeing how far they could extend. Once again, Mila’s displeasure over the mauling was made known.
“Ahh! Let go of my…aaghhh…” Kunis couldn’t even finish her empty threat as the pain from the attack had overcome her. Katy abandoned her tit torture for a moment, allowing the color of Mila’s exposed breasts to go back to normal.
In a fluid motion, Katy spun her body around, now facing Mila’s legs. The helpless Kunis shook her head violently, hoping that Katy wasn’t going to invade her panties. “Please stop,” she pleaded, staring directly at Katy’s thong-clad ass mere inches away from her face.
Katy turned her head back with an innocent look, placing one finger on her bottom lip. “Um, what should I stop?” she asked in her most naïve voice. With her other hand, she gave Mila’s stomach a playful smack. Perry then slowly allowed her fingers to crawl down Kunis’s belly, allowing each agonizing tap to send shivers down Kunis’s spine. Who knew Katy was capable of such devious mind games?
Katy’s wandering fingers stopped at Mila’s crotch. Kunis was wiggling her body, hoping to unseat Perry. The feel of the pressure of Katy’s hand on her bottoms terrified her, and her only option was to try and unseat her aggressor.
