It all happened so fast, one second I was swinging a black leather bag at your head and the next, I’m watching you gingerly pull out shards of Christmas ornaments from your pert behind. I smirk at you and say:
“Oh Erin…I think you’ve still got a bit of Santa stuck in your left cheek”
The peanut galley laughs at my jibe and then one by one, they all give you a look that says: “This bitch is worse than trash, I’ve nothing but contempt for her!”
But a mere second later, the fake smiles come out and then cheerfully our friends cheer you on:
“Come on Erin…you can beat that bitch Kate! Fuck her up! Fuck her up for the time she gave your man a blowjob at Rachel’s engagement party!”
The peanuts, especially the salty peanuts reveal my act of betrayal from much earlier in the year. My inner monologue is racing at 100mph: “Oh fuck! I really wish Erin never found out about that! I can’t have her backing out of being my maid of honour!”.
Why you sound shocked dear reader? Why would not think that I’m any less duplicitous than the peanut galley? On any other day me and Erin would be in the peanut gallery ourselves. We would be cooing with delight as our friends tear each other apart, while we betray confidences in the expectation of future drama - there are no saints amongst us, only sinners! Of that I can assure you.
However back in the here and now, Erin begins to rise to her feet. Just the sight of her fills my heart with rage, add into the mix Steph’s ugly shoes which have permanently scarred my psyche! It’s fair to say today is not the day to fuck with me!
I lunge towards Erin in a totally reckless manner, Steph’s shoes landed a bigger critical to my psyche than I thought. First our foreheads collide in a sickening crash which benefited no one, then the rest of our bodies come together and we crash into the carpet. Our combined momentum takes us into a painful roll around in and over the remains of the Christmas tree. Once again small and devilishly sharp shards of Christmas ornaments sting and bury themselves into your pert ass and back, however this time…I experience the same. As our roll stops, we land on the carpet side by side, our chests heaving and eyes shut.
The peanut gallery is in shock, concern is etched across everyone’s face and they all know decisive action is needed. Immediately Rachel grabs her phone and calls the emergency services, that collision was sickening and very dangerous - we could both be seriously injured! Monica runs over checks my pulse, then Erin’s. Lexibabe grabs some spare sheets and gently wraps us in them to keep us warm. Meanwhile Rachel listens attentively to the emergency dispatcher and shouts out instructions on how best to help myself and Erin…
OMG dear reader, you actually believed the peanut gallery would do that? If so I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you! What really happened is that the peanut gallery literally danced with joy, at the sight of mine and Erin’s unconscious bodies. The ecstatic peanuts took selfies with our unconscious bodies, some even filmed tik-toks! Eventually however Rachel emptied an ice bucket over us and brought us round. We were both groggy and wondering what the hell had just happened? Together we turned to the peanut gallery and said in unison:
“What the fuck is going on?”
Thankfully however our beloved friends were on hands. So as both myself and Erin sat upright on the carpet, Rachel says:
“Erin, did you know Kate gave your man a blowjob at my engagement party?”
I mutter to myself - “Fuck!” - As a apocalyptically pissed Erin locks eyes with me.
Yt
