As longtime readers of this thread may recall, I occasionally do matches set in a parallel universe where women go to Hollywood seeking fame and fortune not as actresses, but as professional wrestlers. For a change, I thought I'd offer an entire Hollywood Wrestling Alliance pay-per-view, done 'Finish Her' style, and set in the year 1992. I hope you enjoy it!HWA: CALIFORNIA FAULTLINE PPV
Los Angeles, CA
January, 1992
Tamlyn Tomita vs Tiffani Amber Thiessen
Whipped into the ropes, Tomita bounds off of the cables and rushes back whence she came…and is then pounded by a Standing Dropkick from Thiessen that sends the Japanese battler crashing to the canvas. She quickly rolls to the edge of the ring, goes under the ropes, and alights to the arena floor, where she is met and consoled by her manager, Morgan Fairchild.
Tiffani goes to the ropes and demands that her opponent get back in the ring, and Tamlyn yells back angrily at her in Japanese. The referee orders the American to back off and let her adversary return to the ring. It is at this moment that Fairchild slips a small plastic bag into the palm of her wrestler’s hand.
Cautiously climbing back up to the apron, Tamlyn points at Tiffani and growls,
“Get back! Watashi kara modotte, anata wa meinu!” The ref then orders Thiessen to back up further. Meanwhile, Morgan has worked her way around to the other side of the ring, and is behind Tiffany. As Tomita steps between the ropes, her manager climbs up on the apron and begins to yell to the official, “She’s been cheating this entire match! I want her checked
right now for a foreign object…that’s the only way she could have been doing so well against my wrestler!” Thiessen angrily whirls around to confront the interfering manager, yelling, “The only cheating in this match has been from
her! But as soon as I’ve beaten her, I’ll be glad to do the same to you, if that’s what you want!”
The ref against orders Tiffani to get back, threatening her with disqualification as he then turns his attention to Fairchild, ordering her to get down from the apron and to stop disrupting the match. Thiessen is so focused on Morgan, she doesn’t realize that Tomita has returned to the ring until she feels a hand on her shoulder. Spinning around to face her opponent, the American is met with a handful of finely ground salt thrown in her face, the contents of the bag which had been given Tamlyn moments earlier. Blinded, Tiffani shrieks and stumbles about, her efforts to rub her eyes clear with her knuckles only aggravating the damage from the salt even more. The ref, distracted by Fairchild, sees none of this.
Moving with viper swiftness, Tamlyn hits her opponent with her signature Samurai Driver DDT, the back of Tiffani’s head taking the full impact to the mat with weight of both wrestlers behind it, leaving her barely clinging to consciousness. As a deafening chorus of boos fills the air of the arena, Tomita drops down across Thiessen, hooks a leg, and get the three count.
Erika Eleniak vs Jennifer Connally
Jennifer let out a loud grunt of pain as her back slammed against the steel guard rail around the ring. Both she and Erika were struggling to stave off total exhaustion after their long and grueling brawl, now nearing the thirty-minute mark. The ring proved unable to contain the action, and it had now spilled out to the arena floor.
Moving to press her advantage, Eleniak grasped her arch-rival by her damp, tangled mane of dark hair and hauled her away from the railing, aiming her now for the nearest ring post, with the intent of smashing Connelly’s face into the unyielding steel. But at the last possible instant, the brunette raised her right leg and planted her foot against the post, preventing the impact. Startled by this sudden development, Erika momentarily dropped her guard, and her opponent spun around and slammed a forearm smash to her chest, dropping her to the floor.
Knowing she needed time to recuperate, Jennifer sought to buy some by pulling Erika up to her feet by her hair, and then throwing her over the railing, where she counted on the fans trying to “help” the blonde back over. Her plan worked just as she had hoped, as Eleniak struggled to free herself from the clutches of lusting males who were more than happy to paw over her. Gasping, she finally managed to climb over the railing, but it had cost her much of what scant precious iotas of power she still had left.
Meanwhile the brunette had rolled back into the ring, and now Erika grabbed the bottom rope to help pull herself up to the apron. But then Jennifer suddenly rushed toward her, going into a baseball slide, and the soles of her boots slammed into the blonde’s chest, sending her sprawling to the floor once again. Connelly climbed back up onto the apron, then leapt down to the floor, looking to land an elbow drop to her rival. But Erika manages to roll out of the way at the last moment, and the brunette lands with a heavy thud on the cement floor.
Both battlers are spent and dazed as they struggle up to their feet, then drag themselves back into the ring under the ropes. On all fours they crawl to the center of the ring, where they unsteadily rise up and then face one another. Erika unleashes a chop across her foe’s chest, the blow sending a shower of perspiration droplets through the air. Jennifer returns the blow, and now the pair engage in a duel of chops, their breasts bouncing wildly from the impact, their heads lolling from side to side as each pounding saps them both of their quivering strength.
Suddenly, Jennifer unleashes a flurry of chops that leave Erika badly dazed. Snaring her in a Front Facelock with her right arm, and grabbing a handful of the blonde’s tights with her left, she dips her knees and prepares to take her adversary down with a Suplex. But Eleniak is able to hook her right foot to her rival’s lower leg, preventing the move from being executed. A fist to the abdomen from the blonde breaks the Facelock, and with a speed that belies her utter exhaustion, Erika shoves Connelly’s head between her thighs, wraps her arms around the brunette’s waist, and with an Amazon’s howl lifts her up and takes her down with a ring-shaking Powerbomb!
Both beauties lay on their backs, their chests heaving for breath, as the referee makes his desultory count. Finally Erika with a groan rolls over, drags herself to Jennifer, and drops her own body like dead weight across her rival’s torso, as the zebra makes the three count.
Jami Gertz vs Virginia Madsen
Virginia referred to it by its original Japanese name, the Sasori-Gatame, while Jami called it the Scorpion Deathlock, but to most fans it was best known as the Sharpshooter. For both wrestlers it was their signature finisher, and the time at last had come to determine who was the true mistress of the hold. The stakes were brutally plain: this match could only be won by submission to the Sharpshooter, and the loser would be forbidden to ever use her move in the league again.
It had been a wild and fast-paced contest, with multiple attempts by both beauties to snare the other in the hold. Finally, Madsen got Gertz on her belly, lifted her legs, and locked on the devastating hold. The referee dropped to his knees next to the brunette, holding a wireless microphone so that her words could be heard by all, and asked her if she was ready to give up.
“NO! NOOOOOOO!!! GET OUTTA MY FACE!!!” she howled, but for all of her defiance, the anguish written on her face betrayed the tremendous pain she was suffering.
She had one chance, however slim it was: the ropes were barely three feet away, and with them came salvation. Her fingers clawing at the canvas, with a growl Jami began to slowly and arduously drag herself toward the cables. Virginia poured on the pressure, intent on driving her rival to submission before she could free herself.
After what seemed like an eternity, the brunette finally clawed her way close enough to the ropes to clutch the bottom strand. The ref instantly ordered the hold released, and after a few more moments, Madsen unenthusiastically complied. Jami pushed herself up to all fours, but before she could do anything else, a hand tight in her hair dragged her crawling away from the ropes and to the center of the ring. Virginia stood before her, ready to again execute her finisher, and this time with no hope of her victim getting to the faraway ropes.
But before she could do so, Jami suddenly grasped Virginia’s ankles and yanked her feet out from under her, sending the startled blonde crashing onto her back. Holding her adversary’s shapely legs wide, Gertz then delivered a headbutt squarely to Madsen’s groin! The blonde let out a shriek and rolled to her side as she curled into a ball, her eyes shut tight against the throbbing pain inflicted to her womanhood.
Drawing upon her last dregs of power, the brunette stood up, grabbed her foe’s ankles, rolled her onto her stomach, and applied her own Sharpshooter! Now it was Virginia’s turn to yowl in agony. The referee repeatedly asked if she was ready to surrender, and she replied with language that, if this were one of the HWA’s broadcast television programs and now a PPV, would be bleeped out by the censor. Gritting her teeth as she poured every ounce of pressure into the hold that she can, Jami growls,
“You’re done for! Say it! SAY IT!”Ultimately though, despite enduring the torture for a full minute and a half, the blonde finally screeched out,
“I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP!!!” into the mic.
Shannon Doherty vs Kristy Swanson (Tennessee Chain Match)
Fists wrapped in steel chains thudded devastatingly into flesh as the two brawlers hammered away at each other in center ring, their gorgeous faces now masked in crimson as the blood flowed freely. They swayed unsteadily on their feet as they pounded at each other, until Kristy suddenly shifted tactics, throwing a knee up into her opponent’s belly that doubled Shannon over with a whoosh of expelled air.
The crowd booed this, which was not unusual for Swanson, one of the HWA’s most despised villains. What was odd was that this same crowd had been rabidly cheering Shannon all night long, despite the fact that the brunette was also one of the most hated of heels. But the fan sentiment had definitely shifted toward Doherty, which had to be as confusing for her as it was infuriating for her foe.
Kristy decided to punish her rival for this as she brought the match to its finale. She wrapped the chain that was attached to both of their left wrists around the brunette’s throat. “Aww, is this choking you?” she sneered. “Good, I hope you get brain damage!” The blonde gave a cruel cackle and then spun Shannon around 180° and pulled her close to her so that they were back to back.
The blonde then began to carry out the necessary steps to formally win this match: each top turnbuckle had to the touched within a sixty second span of time. As Doherty’s fingers clutched frantically at the steel chain wrapped viciously around her throat, Swanson dragged her behind her as she went to the first corner, and with a triumphant arc of her right arm, slapped the top pad with her palm.
But as she began making her way to the next corner, she was unaware that Shannon then tapped the top turnbuckle as well, which the referee duly noted. The second corner went exactly the same, as did the third, with Kristy unaware that her opponent had also tagged the pads also.
As she made her way to the fourth and final corner, Swanson’s advance was interrupted as Shannon clutched at the top rope. With the clock ticking, the blonde turned around to face her recalcitrant rival and slammed a fist into Doherty’s jaw, stunning her enough so that she released the rope.
Now, taking her opponent by her jet-black hair, Kristy ran the two of them toward the last corner, where she slammed Shannon’s face into the turnbuckle. The blonde then triumphantly slapped her hand down upon the pad, but hadn’t noticed that the bell had begun ringing even before she had touched it.
Basking in victory, Kristy released her hold on her adversary’s mane and strutted toward center ring, arms raised high. But the referee grabbed her right wrist and pulled her arm down, shaking his head “No.” He then went over to the corner, where the dazed Doherty was slumped with her back to the turnbuckles, and he raised her right arm instead! It would seem that the rulebook does not stipulate that only a hand may be used to tag the pads…any body part would do. And when Swanson slammed her opponent’s face into it, she completed Shannon’s circuit, and thus gave her the match!
Livid, Swanson began screaming at the official, roughly shoving him and demanding that he award the match to her instead. The blonde was so focused on the ref, she didn’t notice that Doherty had recovered enough to push herself out of the corner. Grabbing a length of the chain with both hands and stretching it out across her right arm, Shannon lunged at Kristy, who caught the approach in the corner of her eye and turned to face it…and was met with a chained forearm smash to the throat! Eyes glazed, the blonde dropped to the mat in a heap as the crowd erupted in cheers. Shannon, her face bloodied but her eyes gleaming with pride, may once again be hated and hissed tomorrow, but tonight, she was their heroine.
Kathy Ireland vs Kylie Minogue (Championship Match)
The crowd knew what was coming, and their roar of excitement was deafening. Kathy climbed up the turnbuckles and carefully balanced herself upon the top ropes. Facing out to the spectators, she raised her arms and gave a wide smile. In another moment she would leap backward, somersault through the air, and deliver a devastating body splash upon her prone opponent. It was a signature finisher dubbed “Air Ireland”, and it was the very move that first won her the HWA title belt a year before.
The problem began with the fact that her target wasn’t prone for very long. Having cannily faked being devastated, Kylie was gleeful that her opponent was doing exactly what the challenger wanted her to do. Suddenly kipping up to her feet, the English lass lunged to the corner; thrusting her two arms in the space between the spread legs of her adversary, Minogue swept her limbs outward, knocking the Champ’s feet from the ropes. Gravity took over and dropped Kathy straight down, her descent halted only when her crotch slammed abruptly into the steel turnbuckle clamp.
Ireland let out an agonized howl and her body went limp as she fell backward. Her feet hooked to the middle ropes as her knees remained draped over the top cables, leaving her dangling in a Tree of Woe. Kylie took full advantage of this, delivering a series of vicious stomps to the brunette’s belly and chest, further weakening the Champion.
Finally halting her barrage of boots, Minogue drags her dazed adversary off of the ropes and lets her thud to the canvas, then takes her by the wrists and drags her to the center of the ring. Thousands of voice chant in unison,
“KA-THY! KA-THY! KA-THY!”, frantic to somehow inspire her to turn the tide.
But there is no halting the tide as the surf crashes to the shore, and there is no hope for Ireland to miraculously escape her fate now. With her smug Cheshire Cat smile, Minogue hauls Ireland up woozily by the hair, and executes a Double Underhook DDT, the crown of the American’s skull spiking into the thin canvas covered plywood of the ring, rendering her unconscious. Kylie matchbook folds Kathy’s ragdoll body, and sits atop her haunches, raising her arms in triumph as the referee counts
1…2…3!Ireland lay barely stirring on the mat as Minogue rises up, and the World Championship belt is wrapped around her waist. The new Champ struts around the ring, seemingly basking in the cascade of boos and hisses from the crowd. The announcer is about to proclaim her victory, but she angrily snarls a command to him. Sheepishly he complies, her words blaring through the arena’s PA system:
“Presenting the winner and new HWA Champion…Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Kylie the First!” As The strains of “God Save the Queen” now play through the speakers, the new Champ marches triumphantly up the aisleway with her newly-won ten pounds of leather and gold.
