HWA FLASHBACK 1964: Annette Funicello vs. Margaret Nolan
What had begun as a regular wrestling match between 'America's Sweetheart' and 'Britain's Golden Girl' had erupted into a bruising battle of mounting hatred between the two curvaceous combatants, stemming from before the opening bell even rang: After the referee had called the two to center ring to go over the rules, a sweetly smiling Margaret offered her hand to Annette, who happily accepted it...and suddenly found her opponent grasping her hand tightly, while with her other hand she landed a sharp slap across the brunette's face! That got Annette's temper flaring. And as the match moved past the 20 minute mark, both Annette and Margaret had proven themselves too evenly matched for one to control the bout for long against the other.
At this particular moment, it was raven-haired Annette who was in command, as she Irish whipped her opponent into the corner. Flaxen-maned Margaret's face twisted into a grimace as her spine took the impact, and as Funicello rushed toward her to press her advantage, the blonde Brit lifted her right leg and placed it between the ropes. The referee immediately stepped between the two, ordering Annette to move back...but she was too infuriated with her rival, and not about to let her avoid punishment by hiding in the ropes. So the brunette pushed forward, pressing the ref between her and Nolan. But from the position he was in between the pair, the official could not see Margaret lashing out with her left arm and raking her nails across Annette's eyes.
With a shriek, the blinded brunette stumbled back, and Nolan shoved the ref out of her way so that she could get to her target. Instinctively, Funicello had turned herself 180 degrees, offering her back for the almost certain attack to come, her battle wits telling her that offered the most protection. Still, that protection was scant as Margaret slammed a double axe handle blow between her foe's shoulder blades. Staggering forward with a pained moan, Annette struggled to not fall to her knees...which suited Margaret just fine, and she delighted in taking her adversary down to the mat herself with a snap mare.
Now, grabbing Funicello's dark hair, the blonde forced her rival up to all fours and walked her over to the ropes. There, she draped Annette's throat across the middle cable and turned away from her, even as she leaned her derriere across her foe's back, pressing her down and choking her. Simultaneously, Nolan began to animatedly argue with the ref, distracting him from her highly illegal choke move. The official finally noticed Funicello's flailing arms and ordered the British bombshell to break the hold, or else suffer disqualification.
Margaret waited until the full count of four before she stepped away from her victim, allowing the red-faced Funicello to at last draw breath. Arms draped over the middle rope, her head hung low as she panted heavily for air, the American was ripe for finishing off. But instead, the haughty blonde Brit strutted around the ring, nose arrogantly tilted upward and chest thrust outward as a cascade of boos showered down upon her from the capacity crowd. Annette was their heroine, and Nolan was going to make her suffer...and make her simpering fans watch every moment of it.
Finally, Margaret returned to the business at hand, grabbing her opponent with a handful of dark, damp, mussed hair (both had begun the match with finely coiffed bouffont manes, but by this stage of the battle, their hair were tangled mops upon their heads), and pulling her hand and knees and making Annette crawl away from the ropes to the center of the ring. There, with the American girl still on her knees, Nolan cupped Funnicello's chin with her left hand, squeezing her cheeks so that the brunette's lips puckered. With a smirking sneer, the blonde looked down at her opponent and purred,
"You're welcome to start begging for mercy, but just to make it absolutely clear, I won't be showing you any." She then gave a sinister chuckle and cast her gaze out upon the booing crowd, savoring the fear they collectively held for their beloved Annette.
But as the Bard said, pride goes before a fall. So certain of her impending victory was Margaret, she made the critical mistake of taking her attention off of her opponent...and Annette made full use of that. The blonde Brit learned the error of her ways with a sudden punch to her belly, causing Nolan to sharply expel air. Then, Funicello grabbed her adversary behind her calves and yanked her feet out from under her, sending Margaret crashing onto her back.
Then, in one deftly swift move, Annette...still holding Nolan's legs...somersaulted over and pinned her rival with a crudely effective bridging maneuver. Well, effective for the count of two-and-a-half, at which point the blonde frantically thrashed and managed to break the pinfall. Adrenalin now coursing through her lush body, the brunette sprang to her feet, leapt up, and delivered a leg drop across Nolan's chest that smashed even more air from her lungs, and left the blonde dazed and moaning on the canvas.
Getting back up to her feet, Funicello dashed to the ropes, bounded off of them, and rushed back toward her prone adversary. Once more leaping up, she aimed another leg drop at her target...except at the last moment, Nolan was able to roll out of the way. Annette hit nothing but canvas, and with a loud, long moan rolled to her side, her hands clutching her aching tailbone.
Both wrestlers struggle up to their hands and knees, but it is the blonde Brit who gathers her wits enough to crawl over to her opponent; grabbing the American by her black locks, Margaret then slams Funicello's face
once...twice...thrice into the canvas. Annette collapses to the mat, glassy-eyed and groaning, as thousands of her fans in the arena chant her name, pleadingly praying she can recover and win the match.
But Margaret wasn't about to give her the chance. Standing up, she grabbed her moaning rival by her hair and hauled her up as well, and then Irish whipped Annette into the turnbuckles. From mid-ring, Nolan then charged at Funicello, nailing her with a ring-shaking corner bodysplash in the corner. Those ringside fans with a certain vantage point would later swear that the brunette's 34D breasts were pancaked by her attacker's 36Ds; the look of anguish which twisted itself onto Annette's face would seem to bear that out.
Yanking her dazed and panting opponent from the corner, the Brit now dipped her knees and pulled Funicello's whole body up over her shoulders. In a stunning display of sheer raw power, she rose up to her full height, holding her adversary aloft!
Had she now gone for a torture rack or a body slam, Nolan would have put an end to the match. But instead, she decided to walk around the ring, parading her helpless rival before her fans as an Amazon queen displays her beaten foe. The smiling look of smug satisfaction on the blonde's face merely further infuriated Annette's fans, who howled in furious protest at the blonde's apparent conquest of their heroine.
But the American battler was not quite as helpless as it seemed. Because Nolan did not press her advantage, but instead chose to preen, that gave Annette precious moments to get her second wind and clear her head. And then, without warning, she suddenly thrashed herself free, falling down from Margaret's shoulders and landing with panther grace on her feet behind the Brit. As the startled blonde spun around, she was met with a slap across the face that spun her whole body violently to the side, and left her ice blue eyes spinning in their sockets.
The crowd roared with approval as Funicello threw a second slap, and then landed a chop across her opponent's chest that left Nolan reeling. Moving with a speed that belied the exhaustion that wracked her lush body, the brunette then executed a belly to belly suplex, sending her adversary crashing to the canvas in a heap.
Now Annette went for one of her finishers, the Boston Crab. Securing her hold on her rival's legs, she bent them back, twisting Nolan's spine to an agonizing degree never intended by nature. The blonde yowled in agonized protest, her eyes now glistening as she fought back tears. But as the referee asked her if she was ready to submit, she snarled,
"SOD OFF!" Still, it was obvious she couldn't endure this torture much longer.
Funicello shut her eyes, desperate to draw upon every last dreg of power she had left, determined to force her hated opponent to submit.
"Give up, damnit...give up, damnit...give up, damnit!" she kept repeating, half command and half plea.
Biting her lower lip to keep from screaming her submission...Margaret was not about to give this Yank bitch the satisfaction of a verbal surrender...the blonde lifted her right arm, a mere heartbeat away from tapping out. But then...
The bell suddenly began clanging, signaling that the thirty minute time limit had expired! This match was officially a
draw.
Believing the bell had meant her victory, Annette released her hold and stood up, raising her arms in triumph as she beamed a grateful smile. But only when the referee grabbed her wrist and yanked her arm down did she realize that she hadn't won.
And she was
furious!First she argued vehemently with the ref, demanding an extra minute to formally finish off her opponent, but she was refused that. She was near tears, pushed beyond frustration that she had been denied the victory she had fought and suffered so much to earn. It certainly didn't help matters that Nolan had recovered enough to stand up and, from across the ring, start taunting the brunette.
"You couldn't get it done, slag," she jeered with a smug smile that belied the fact that she had been a mere heartbeat away from giving up.
"I was about to break loose and put you away once and for all, and you know it. Just admit you're no match for me, twat!"Enraged, Annette began to charge at her rival, but the referee wrapped his arms around her waist and prevented her from advancing. Another ref dashed down to the ring, climbed in, and went to help his compatriot restrain the raging brunette. Margaret took advantage of the moment to run up to Annette, who was still held firmly by the officials, and throw a sharp slap across her face. The cackling Brit then rolled out of the ring and began strutting up the aisle to her dressing room amid a cascade of boos and invectives from the fans, which only encouraged her to smile and blow a kiss to the crowd, followed by a very British obscene gesture with her fingers.
"THIS ISN'T OVER!" Annette shrieked after her.
"DO YOU HEAR ME? NEXT TIME I'LL RUIN YOU, BITCH!"
