The concept was incredibly absurd, yet no one dared question the logic. Essentially, it was a tournament in which the loser of each match would advance to the next round. It was dubbed Survival of the Weakest and was the cruel brainchild of one of those oft mentioned wealthy benefactors. The availability of near bottomless financial means combined with a plethora of free time usually brings about some of the more ludicrous ideas, whether it’s the Roman Coliseum’s bloody fights to the death or midget wrestling at a carnival. Here, the host’s primary hope and desire was to take a collection of sixteen women and put them in potentially severe circumstances.
For the winners, it was a trip to the showers and an easy payday. Unfortunately, for the losers, it meant a long and painful road. With each loss, some poor girl, already sore from her defeat, would know that she had another battle awaiting her against another increasingly desperate opponent.
The selection of the competitors was not all that difficult for the organizers. Knowing that this type of tournament would have a very particular clientele (those individuals who relish the thought of a humiliated loser being forced to continue to fight), the committee sought out women who were traditionally the victims in their matches. They sought out those combatants that were, in pro wrestling terms, the hapless jobber.
In addition to the traditional lambs, the promoters thought it would be fun to randomly select two dominant wrestlers to throw into the mix. Call it sadism, call it Darwinism or just call it good for the box office, the powers that be picked two juggernauts and let them run wild.
The Entrants:
Jennifer Love Hewitt: JLH has been a victim in the fighting realm for over a decade. Due to her naïve personality in the late 90’s, she honestly believed that she was able to hang with contemporaries such as Neve Campbell and Sarah Michelle Geller. Unfortunately for her, Love wasn’t the fitness nut that Campbell was, nor did she have the martial arts training that “Buffy” had access to. She was often trotted out there in her cutesy attire and thrashed unmercifully by bigger and meaner opponents. Her ample bosom made an inviting target, and her button nose ensured her opponent of a comfortable seat once they were victorious. Now, an older and wiser fighter, she wants to show the community that she is no longer the doe-eyed gal on the block, and that her once assaulted chest is now a very deadly weapon.
Taylor Swift: Taylor is the very definition of doe-eyed, as her young age has essentially kept her from the ring until she hit 18. Now that she’s eligible, she is looking to use this tournament as a way to send a message to the Hollywood community that she is a genuine competitor and a genuine threat. While she does have the height on some competitors, she is relatively thin. Her lack of strength combined with her lack of experience could prove to be a lethal combination that might sink her chances before she even steps in the ring.
Hayden Pannettiere: As the perennial cheerleader in television and film, Hayden had no choice but to enter the physical world of celebrity competition. By nature, cheerleaders are the alpha women who climb the social ladder with their cattiness and their physical ability. Unfortunately for Hayden, what she possesses in killer instinct she lacks in size. More often than not, she writes checks that her toned ass can’t cash. On top of that, she’s cute, which means some of the more sinister minded opponents take special joy in making her squeal in pain. Now, after a few years on the circuit, she is looking to escape the first round unharmed, because “winning” the Survival of the Weakest Tournament is a distinction she would most likely wish to avoid.
Rachel McAdams: The “mean girl” title hardly fits this sweet rom-com star. Unfortunately for McAdams, this means that she usually finds herself flat on her back looking up at the lights. Rachel has joined this Tournament, like many others, to prove that she is in fact not a victim. While this is a lofty aspiration, her weak in-ring skills have proven that she just doesn’t have what it takes to hang with the tougher competitors. With a little luck and a lot of determination, maybe when she’s in the ring with a creampuff she’ll shine.
Kaley Cuoco: The object of nerd desire across the country thanks to television, the ditsy young blonde is desperate to shake off the shackles as the dream girl for the dateless and move on to the platform as a true performer in Young Hollywood. Kaley might not have a dominant look, she does have a slight weight advantage over many opponents and has had marginal success against smaller opponents. Unfortunately, whenever she has attempted to face a bigger star, she’s found herself outclassed and more often than not undressed. An early exit in this tournament would do wonders for her fledgling reputation. On the other hand, advancing into further rounds will prove to her critics that she deserves the “jobber” title.
Megan Fox: The queen of entitlement, Megan Fox believes that she is already the heir apparent to Angelina Jolie. And while Jolie is a world renowned movie star and a feared fighter, Fox is not. She has avoided almost all challengers, choosing instead to face women significantly weaker and smaller than she is. Now that she’s in this Tournament (no doubt after they agreed to her exorbitant fee), she will have her chance to show that she does deserve the crown as the next Angeline Jolie.
Mila Kunis: Mila is the feisty brunette with the big eyes and the big mouth. Unfortunately, her petite size has often resulted in her big mouth being covered by a winner’s crotch as her big eyes look up and plead for mercy. Kunis has a never-say-die attitude, and while she might not always win (read: usually loses), her opponents at least know they’ve been in a fight.
Amanda Bynes: Cursed with the Nickelodeon brand since she was young, Bynes hasn’t been allowed to branch out into the realm of adult actresses like her contemporaries Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway. Bynes has the size to be a dominant fighter, but her cheery personality and lack of true experience has always hindered her (despite learning under Jennie Garth, a woman who has had to tangle with the always deadly Shannon Doherty). And while no one expects her to shock the world with decisive wins, her height and weight advantage just might allow her to sneak out in the first round without suffering a humiliating defeat.
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Jessica Simpson: The very definition of dumb blonde, Simpson has gotten used to getting the short end of the stick. Despite her Southern technique, she has often been overlooked by promoters, just like she was always overshadowed by Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. After an embarrassing set of pictures surfaced, Jessica recommitted herself to getting back into fighting shape and giving it another go. Her farmgirl strength and misplaced determination might be enough for her to drop her daisy dukes onto some unsuspecting opponent’s features.
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Olivia Wilde: Much like Megan Fox, Wilde’s sun-kissed skin oozes a raunchy sexuality that should ensure her nothing but success. However, unlike Fox’s desire to avoid competition, Wilde has openly sought out the biggest and the best. Unfortunately for her, she learned why they are considered the biggest and the best. Olivia has suffered some incredibly humiliating defeats, and after a brief absence, is returning to the ring in an effort to prove that she is more than a pretty face.
Elisha Cuthbert: When you’re the daughter of Jack Bauer, there’s a certain expectation that you’re going to be an asskicker. Cuthbert is living proof that the apple does fall far from the tree. Elisha hasn’t had much luck in the ring and in the movies, which explains her absence from both. Cuthbert was a very small sensation in the mid 00’s, but a string of disappointing losses have shattered her confidence. Desperate for work and in dire need of a fix from the fame drug, Cuthbert has taken a significant pay cut just to be part of this tournament. Hopefully, the gamble will pay off for the Canadian.
Kristen Stewart: Kristen hates the fame that “Twilight” has brought her. Or at least she appears to hate it. Like a high school girl who feigns dislike of her crush, Stewart has protested a little too much that she doesn’t want the spotlight. Her in-ring career is very similar; aside from some early matches in her career and one victory over her Twilight castmate Anna Kendrick, Stewart has avoided the ring like vampires avoid sunlight (an obvious and regrettable joke). By entering the tournament, she hopes to stop the press from their constant hounding…the hounding she “hates”.
Katherine Heigl: An Emmy winner, a box office draw and a powerhouse in the ring, Katherine Heigl is one of the two “ringers” in the tournament. Katherine’s high salary demands were gladly met because the promoters knew that her name on the marquis will draw significant interest. Her victory is all-but-certain, and with the high profile of the Tournament, she is looking to once again remind the world why she is considered one of the best. On the other hand, a fluke loss could do a lot more damage than an assured win.
Leighton Meester: One of the “it” girls, Meester’s bitchy attitude and sense of entitlement has made her a very big target for a lot of women. Leighton’s unimpressive frame is proof that the “victim” tag isn’t undeserved, though she believes that she is branded that simply because people want to see her fail. She, on the other hand, has all but guaranteed a first round victory.
Jessica Biel: Perhaps the best in the world at what she does, Biel is less of a wrestler and more of a force of nature. She’s strong, tenacious and outright mean, and as the other “ringer”, she wants to demolish her opponent in such a decisive fashion that even legitimate challengers will balk at the thought of getting in the ring with her. But, like Heigl, if she suffers a fluke loss, it will bring down her reputation as an unbeatable monster.
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Rachel Bilson: Bilson hasn’t met an opponent she can’t find a way to lose to. She was tagged from the beginning of her career as a jobber, and despite facing some true flyweight opponents (Alexis Bledel, Natalie Portman), she has always found herself the loser. While she was a shoe-in to be part of this tournament, her “victory” is something she would like to avoid. She is the Vegas odds-on winner, since her best chances of actually beating an opponent lie in the fact that the other one might suffer a heart attack. A fan favorite (due to the fact that the fans love to see her get humiliated), Bilson is sure to not disappoint…at least in the first few rounds.
The Tournament was being held in a massive venue outside of Los Angeles. Tickets for the show were, obviously, on the pricy side. The bulk of the lower bowl seats were purchased by Hollywood Insiders; studio executives, producers and television programmers. Due to the nature of the event, security was heightened and all of the proper precautions were taken. If anyone was going to be harmed in that arena, it was going to take place in the ring.
Thanks to all of the hype, the promoters feared that if the wrestlers didn’t deliver that their clout in Hollywood would evaporate. To ensure that this wouldn’t happen, the organizers put each girl in her own dressing room. Their thought was that if the women were able to talk beforehand that they might make an attempt at collusion in order to prevent suffering an injury or be subjected to any humiliation. In addition, each girl was given a financial incentive package, listing out ways in which the victor could line her coffer.
First, there was the obvious victory bonus. One would think that avoiding a loss would be motivation enough, but never underestimate the greed of Hollywood actresses. Second, there was a technique bonus. In order to ensure that these wouldn’t be slap fights, each girl was instructed that the more diverse and intense the fight, the higher the reward. Finally, there was the humiliation bonus. If you were able to strip your opponent naked and force her to endure some form of humiliating punishment, your already amassed bonus would be doubled. Clearly, the promoters knew what their audience wanted to see.
